Sunday, December 9, 2018

David's Birthday

Today is David’s birthday and my heart is broken. When it comes down to it, the loss is great and is forever. No matter what anyone says, it is the saddest thing that happened to us. Losing David is devastating. I miss him more and more as time goes by. I try to go on with my life, but this is not the life I knew before. It has a big piece missing from it. There will always be a gap and a hole that no one else can fill. I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I did not have to go through this pain and agony. I wish that I could be restored to the same level as before the loss. Yet how could this be? There is no way that I could go back to what used to be. I miss his person. I miss everything about him. I miss his voice and hugs. I am tearing as I write these words.

Why do I continue to feel such pain? What happened to the eternal view? Why do I write things and then realize that it is all words, and words and thoughts that do not remove the pain. I am thankful for the moments that I do not hurt so badly. I am thankful that I can sleep at night even though many times I am restless. I miss all the love that he gave me. I wish that I could describe the feelings that I experience better. How can I describe them? Words cannot do it as it is something that is unspeakable. Only God can know how I feel as he knows the heart.

I try to reinvent my life. I thank God for nature and the flowers and birds. The beauty of the sky and the creation has sustained me as well. They seem to draw me closer to David. His spirit is so vivid and his beauty is so visible to me. He is nowhere and yet he is everywhere. What a paradox!!

Monday, December 3, 2018

My Christmas Wishes

I wish that David did not die. I wish that I had him back. I wish that David could hug me again and that I could hug him too. I miss his big hugs and his continual presence and daily phone calls.   I wish that things were different. I wish that life did not deal me such pain. I wish that I had the power to reverse things. I wish that I could get peace over this calamity. I wish that I could feel comfort and get back into life. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could embrace life again as before. I wish that I could heal. I wish that I could find the thing that would make this loss bearable; I wish that I could reach a state of calmness and peace.

How I wish that I could start all over. Before I sleep I wish and pray that I would see David in a dream. I wish that there was a prescription for a heartache. If I can only have another glimpse of him!

Sometimes I wish my days away. I wish that David is with me.  I wish that I could have had him for a longer period of time. I wish that I could see David pull up on the driveway and come into the house. I wish that he would come home for Christmas to celebrate the most wonderful time of the year with us.

I wish that we could be that family again. I wish that I had a chance to say goodbye. How I wish that I could give him everything. Oh how I wish that I had not lost him. I want him back so badly. I know that I cannot have him, but I continue to wish anyway. It is hopeless wishing. It is useless wishing, but it is wishing anyway. Now I wish that his death is only a dream. Oh how I wish that I were in years past, when David was with us. I want to hear his voice again. I wish that I could describe how I feel.