Aching Heart

Diary Notes

I constantly think of David and my heart aches. The pain returns daily and sometimes I cannot stand it.  I ache, I throb, I tear and I cannot escape the horror of it.

I yelled and screamed in the car and conversed with God about my pain and was exhausted. It poured and I had difficulty driving. The storm reminded me of my raging soul. Prior to losing D my life had trials and difficulties but my life seemed storm-less. After supper I struggled at night. My shrinking heart quivers with its intensity of suffering. I am not content without David.

Mixed Dreams and Pain

Diary Notes

I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on.  I am so confused and tormented. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbearable and the tears do not dry. I later read a bit but could not sleep. I heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can’t be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people use to make sense out of David’s death. None of these make sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.

Can I be Thankful?

A friend of mine who lost her son wrote the following e-mail: “My sister said to me today we need to thank God for everything. I said I thank God for many things in my life but NO I will never thank Him for taking my son while I am still alive and never will. I am also certain that GOD understands how I feel and maybe HE is crying with me too. However, I must wait to see HIM face to face to understand His wisdom for taking our boys and let us carry the heaviest cross ever. YES, it is the heaviest cross for a parent.”

I too have been struggling with the same thought. How can I turn the gushing tears, the heavy sighs into gratitude? How can I bear my daily burden with no relief in sight and give thanks? How can I be stripped of my child and feel all alone and give thanks? How can I give thanks when my soul is oppressed, and my heart is heavy? How can I reconcile the love of God with the loss of my son and be thankful?

If you have nothing to be thankful for this year, rejoice for the life within you that is a gift from God. 

Why Do We Suffer?

Diary notes dated March 13, 2004

I continue to awake in agony and in the depths of despair. The anger and the rage that I am experiencing almost on a daily basis seems to sap all my energy. My mind is continuously analyzing events of the past in an attempt to make sense of this calamity. As everything seems dark and all hope is gone something inside continues to tell me that there is more to life. I continue to look for the stillness and the peace that seems to be lacking in my soul. I who enjoyed all the beauty of nature, the flowers, the birds, the music, seem blind and deaf to their effects now. My soul is tormented and my heart is heavy. I continue to ask the Lord for help and peace and calm. I keep getting the same answers that without suffering, we are robbed of the essence of life. Suffering is supposed to bring the best in us. It is supposed to cleanse our soul and to let the beauty shine within and without. We are supposed to reach the point when we can sing and have joy despite the pain and the suffering. I am looking forward to reaching this point, but it seems so far away at this time. I am experiencing a continual feeling of lack of purpose. I continue to feel displaced. I do not look for a future. I do not see a reason for making plans about anything. I am just existing from day to day and looking forward to being with David. The flashes of his image continue to appear before me on a daily basis as my heart skips a beat each time that I think of his disappearance from this earth.

Questions About Why People Die

I kept a diary after I lost my son. I wrote this on March 12, 2004.

 Yesterday terrorists bombed Madrid and killed close to 200 people and wounded over a thousand. Questions popped into my head. Why did these people die and not others. Is it because they were ungodly and disobeyed God and God judged them? Is it because they had a set time on this earth and their time was up? Or is it because the world is so evil and things happen randomly? I then thought about Job’s children that died. Were they evil? God allowed this to happen in order to test Job’s faith. Was there another reason why they died other than testing his faith? I am more inclined to believe that from the day one is born his or her days are numbered. In God’s view time is not important as God is eternal. It does not matter how long one lives. A life can be more meaningful sometimes even though it is brief when compared to a long life that has no meaning.