Why Do We Suffer?

Diary notes dated March 13, 2004

I continue to awake in agony and in the depths of despair. The anger and the rage that I am experiencing almost on a daily basis seems to sap all my energy. My mind is continuously analyzing events of the past in an attempt to make sense of this calamity. As everything seems dark and all hope is gone something inside continues to tell me that there is more to life. I continue to look for the stillness and the peace that seems to be lacking in my soul. I who enjoyed all the beauty of nature, the flowers, the birds, the music, seem blind and deaf to their effects now. My soul is tormented and my heart is heavy. I continue to ask the Lord for help and peace and calm. I keep getting the same answers that without suffering, we are robbed of the essence of life. Suffering is supposed to bring the best in us. It is supposed to cleanse our soul and to let the beauty shine within and without. We are supposed to reach the point when we can sing and have joy despite the pain and the suffering. I am looking forward to reaching this point, but it seems so far away at this time. I am experiencing a continual feeling of lack of purpose. I continue to feel displaced. I do not look for a future. I do not see a reason for making plans about anything. I am just existing from day to day and looking forward to being with David. The flashes of his image continue to appear before me on a daily basis as my heart skips a beat each time that I think of his disappearance from this earth.