Sunday, October 27, 2013

Written Diary about Hope

These thoughts were written 2 years after David died.

The day was OK till late afternoon when I felt very lonely and sad and grief took over again. It seems that everything hinges on what happened to David. I am in such despair and yet hope comes from despair. When nothing else is left to go on, I can lean on God. This is why David believed in hope as he was powerless. I suffer even with the knowledge of hope eternal. I need to hope about what someday will be. That someday is to be with the Lord and David. I need to dream and refuse to give up into what is seen and rather focus on the unseen and the eternal. I could base my hope on the return of Christ. I cry to God in despair and protest. Hope does not take away my sorrow. The tears continue to flow and David’s absence is destroying my spirit. I miss him so terribly and long to see him and hug him. When I go to bed, I pray to the Lord to control my tears so that I do not plug my nose and have difficulty breathing. I never thought that life would be so empty for me.

Monday, October 21, 2013

"None of These Things Move me"

After losing my son, I never realized that I was stepping into the unknown and that I will be going through so much pain, analysis and despair. I am learning so much. Sorrow makes me think deeply and reveals hidden depths within me that I did not know ever existed. I am hoping that some good and beauty will come out of my pain and my tears. Maybe my most sorrowful days will be among the best days of my life. When Paul the Apostle said "none of these things move me" he did so because he has been through so much suffering. I feel  like Paul in a way regarding the things of the world. I am free as never before.

Friday, October 18, 2013

For Those Who Have Not Lost A Child

It is hard for people who have not had an experience like this to relate to me. Here is some advice based on my experiences after losing my son. 

Do not tell me that he is in a better place.

You need to mention the name of my son. You need to talk about him. My dead son will always be a big part of my life.

Remember his birthday and his anniversary. Think of me during the holidays.

Do not tell me “You are strong”. I am numb and not strong. You have no idea as to what you are saying.

Do not tell me to get over it. This is not a disease that I can recover from. I will grieve forever at various intensities. I will never forget my son. I will incorporate him into every aspect of my life.

Do not ask my husband as to how I am doing. Ask me. Come and spend time with me. Do not avoid me as if I have a contagious disease. I am in such pain and when you avoid me, you isolate me even more and add to my pain. All you have to do is be with me and let me know that you care.

When I was talking about my son to someone who did not know him, she told me that she wished that she could have met David. That comment made me feel so good.

Many have told me that I should not live in the past. What they do not realize is that I am living in the present but without my precious son.

Whenever I try to talk about David people switch the subject and tell me to think about Robbie (my grandson). They think that would help me. I actually feel insulted when they do that.

A year after David died a neighbor asked me how I was doing. With tears in y eyes, I told her that I was not doing well. She said: “Come on, it has been a year already.

My therapist told me that I am grieving because I have an empty nest. I told him that David was not living with me for years and yet I never experienced what I am experiencing now. This was not due to an empty nest, this was different.

I had someone tell me immediately after I told her that I lost my son: “Don’t let him ruin your life”.

Do not tell me that David died because  it is God’s will.

Many told me “The Lord gave and the Lord takes away”. I do not experience consolation with such a verse thrown at me by people who never experienced loss. I can only be the one who uses this verse for me when my heart is ready.

One woman told me that feeling like wanting to die is not Christian.

Allow me to take as much time as needed to heal.

Include my son in activities as to what he would have done so that his spirit can continue in our ongoing lives.

Do not just say that you will pray for me. Hug me. Listen to me. Argue with me. Take me out for lunch or a cup of coffee. Come and visit me as often as possible. I need company to be distracted.

I know that people are well meaning but they are ignorant and therefore say the wrong things at the wrong time.

I do not want to lose my grief. My grief is bound to my son. I am afraid to lose the intensity of the love and I cling to my grief as it is bound to the love.

Never tell me to stop grieving but grieve with me. Tell me what you know about my son. Any incident, any story, any memory is a treasure to me. I need to reaffirm the reality that David has been here on this earth. Don’t tell me when my mother died I felt the same way. 

People tell me that I have to accept what happened. I do not have to accept his death. I know that he died and that this did happen, but it is still unacceptable to me and forever will be.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Pictures from David's Garden

Notes from my Diary

After David died I began to write on a daily basis. This is an entry in my diary.

I am so down today. I am actually very depressed. I spent time with God arguing with him over my state. I do not know what to do or where to turn to. I do not seem to be able to connect to the world. I have become very recluse and disinterested in the mundane. I am trying to find out as to how to live again. I cannot help but grieve. Losing David will be with me forever. Life without purpose is dull. I need to be challenged again. I need to make life beautiful again by putting meaning into it. Every time when I realize that D is gone, tears fill my eyes. I cannot describe those feelings to anyone anymore. They are sacred. I have such tenderness towards him. I feel so sorry for him and for myself that he is gone. As D’s mother, I do not seem to be able to stop thinking of him without tearing. I am still in disbelief. How could this be? What is death? Why is it so mysterious? Why can’t I figure it out? I wish that I could reach a state of calmness and peace.

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Pain

The pain of losing a child is unbearable. It is like thrusting a dagger in my heart over and over again. Every impulse in me shrieks with outrage at the loss. My spirit is broken. The sensation of pain is perpetual. It smarts, pierces and does not go away. My chest falls and rises with the tides of my emotions as I wail for my son. Eventually I am left breathless as the tide subsides. 

I am sure that every parent who lost a child experiences this kind of pain. No one else can feel it unless they have been there on the same bench with with me. What can you do? Cry all you can. Write all you can. Keep busy all you can. Think of the times you loved each other all you can. The pain that you are experiencing will not kill you but it will exhaust you. Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself in every way. Don't let the pain wear you down so much that you become ill. Because of the very tender and intimate relationship that you had with your child, your pain is so great and so devastating. The love that you bear for your child will just make your capacity for love even greater.

Those who have not been there have no concept. We who have been there cannot fully tell of our experiences as the pain and sorrow is unspeakable. We cannot avoid the pain if we love, even if we love a little. In sorrow we grow just as flowers need the rain.