Notes from my Diary

After David died I began to write on a daily basis. This is an entry in my diary.

I am so down today. I am actually very depressed. I spent time with God arguing with him over my state. I do not know what to do or where to turn to. I do not seem to be able to connect to the world. I have become very recluse and disinterested in the mundane. I am trying to find out as to how to live again. I cannot help but grieve. Losing David will be with me forever. Life without purpose is dull. I need to be challenged again. I need to make life beautiful again by putting meaning into it. Every time when I realize that D is gone, tears fill my eyes. I cannot describe those feelings to anyone anymore. They are sacred. I have such tenderness towards him. I feel so sorry for him and for myself that he is gone. As D’s mother, I do not seem to be able to stop thinking of him without tearing. I am still in disbelief. How could this be? What is death? Why is it so mysterious? Why can’t I figure it out? I wish that I could reach a state of calmness and peace.