Friday, January 29, 2016

Should you see a therapist after losing your child?

When I lost my son David I was so sad. Many told me that I must see a therapist in order to feel better. They told me that I was depressed. I told them that I was not depressed but that I was in deep sorrow and pain. After nagging me so much I began to believe them. So I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and went to see him for about a year once a week. Initially I thought that he was going to cure me. I thought that there was a solution that would release me from the pain. I thought that he had the answers that would make me feel better.

Every time that I went to see him, he would ask me: "How are you feeling today?" I would go over my pain and sorrow and unbelief over and over again and he would listen. After each session I would feel a bit better, but the feeling did not last as the pain returned again and again. So one day I decided to express how I feel and I wrote the following:

"I feel the anger and the rage that I am almost experiencing on a daily basis which seems to sap all my energy. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. My heart is bruised and is bleeding. My soul is raging within. I feel a thick black veil covering my bleeding heart. I feel crushed and trodden over. I feel empty, lost and in a vacuum in this world. I do not know who I am at times. I feel displaced and that I do not belong here on the earth. I feel the sorrow dragging its way through days and returns with the same routine of hopeless agony. I feel sadness and heaviness of soul. I feel the sorrow the minute I wake up. This sorrow is beyond consolation. I feel the darkness of despair and deep loneliness. I feel so alone in my sorrow and desperate in my pain. I feel abandoned, without strength or responsibility. I could be among a million people and still feel lonely. This emptiness that I feel is awful. I feel like yelling “NO”. I feel less than nothing at times. I feel humbled by death. I feel that I am brought to a place of despair, of nothingness. I miss the special love that David gave me and the unconditional approval that I felt with him. I never felt less than I am with him, but always more than I was. He made me feel special. I feel the brutal pain that grips my soul like a claw and does not let go. I feel like dying at times. I feel like crying on a daily basis and the tears flow continuously. My eyes hurt and are often swollen. I feel sorry for myself. I feel fatigued even before the day has begun. I feel anxious, sick and weak. My guts experience butterfly feelings and I shake at times. My muscles feel like rubber. Sometimes I can hardly breathe."

After I realized that there is no cure to my pain and sorrow, I decided to quit seeing the therapist. I realized that talking to anyone who would listen is very helpful in easing some of the pain. So why pay for therapy when you can get the same effect by talking to someone else who would listen? 

Monday, January 18, 2016

I do not know how to explain life

I started writing after David died. Now I am going over what I have written and would like to share with you my experiences as some of you maybe going through this terrible journey of loss and despair.

I am not sure of anything any more regarding life. I do not know how to explain it. I feel such a void and an empty feeling. The glow is gone. The beauty is gone. I saw a beautiful sunrise today and of course I talked to David. I am not sure what to think. Sometimes I say that he is better off with the Lord and he is resting and enjoying God. At other times I say “my baby is gone” and I could not protect him. I feel such awesome sadness that cannot be described. The emotional pain is becoming somehow more intense. 

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Two Months after the Death of my Son

I started writing after David died. Now I am going over what I have written and would like to share with you my experiences as some of you maybe going through this terrible journey of loss and despair.

I feel so lonely today. I have been crying a lot. I blow up his picture on the computer and wail. I think that this is the hardest thing that I ever faced. It is an empty feeling. I just cannot pinpoint how I feel. I try to explain it, but there are no words that can do that. My son is gone and my soul is with him. I feel so hurt. I do not know why he had to die. Death is awesome. It is wicked. It is the worst that humans have to face. When my mother and aunt died, I felt loss and grief, but not to this level. This is torture. I feel pain all over my body and soul. I try to listen to hymns and they all make me cry. I long to be with David. I want to hold him and hug and tell him that all is OK. I want to assure him that we love him no matter what. Lord, please give me peace. I am so restless.
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Wednesday, January 13, 2016

“…and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

I am not sure what this verse means, but it is when we die that we can begin to live forever. I cannot understand death, but I began to know a little more about it when I lost David. I realized that death is a natural thing. It is like passing through a dark tunnel into light and a glorious place. When we die we are liberated from the body of sin. We cross the veil of tears and arrive where light shines forever and where joy reigns. Yet no one wants to die. We talk about light, joy, and the streets of gold and at the same time it is not clear to us as what heaven is all about. We are only acquainted with the earth and are not sure about the unseen.
Yet David’s death is like a magnet that is attracting me more towards heaven than ever before. As time goes by, I grow nearer to him. He is not far from me. We are getting closer day by day. I realize that the earth is not my home. I live in the sphere of the immortal which raises the level and quality of my life. At the same time I cry for my own disaster from being parted from such a wonderful son.