The Loss is forever

When it comes down to it, the loss is great and is forever. No matter what anyone says, it is the saddest thing that happened to us. Losing David is devastating. I miss him more and more as time goes by. I try to go on with my life, but this is not the life I knew before. It has a big piece missing from it. There will always be a gap and a hole that no one else can fill. I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I did not have to go through this pain and agony. I wish that I could be restored to the same level as before the loss. Yet how could this be? There is no way that I could go back to what used to be. I miss his person. I miss everything about him. I miss his voice and hugs. I am tearing as I write these words. Why do I continue to feel such pain? 

Where is my son?

 After David died I began to write and write. Here are some words of despair.

Where is my son? What happened? How can David die? Why did he die? What is death all about? I am tired of all these mysteries. I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of no answers. I am tired of everything. The routines of daily chores are boring. I want more. I do not know what I want. I do not know anything. I am lost. I am in the pit. I am in hell. I have no friends. I have nobody who understands. I do not understand. Why should I expect others to understand? This is senseless. I am tired of philosophizing so that I can survive. Why do I have to struggle everyday so that I can survive? Will I ever be able to live again as before? Will I be able to overcome the pain? There is no pain like this pain. It cannot be described. No one can feel it. No one knows that I am hurting as they cannot see it. It is only known by God. It is hidden in my soul and my heart. People tell me that I should be thankful that I had David for 30 years. These are people who have children who have not died. These are people who are in their seventies and who have lived long lives. These are people who had a smooth sailing all along. I wonder if they will be thankful if this happened to them. I wonder if they could say such a thing to anyone if they had experienced such a loss. I wonder if they can imagine such a loss!!!

New Awareness

I am so aware of things now that before David’s death I was not aware of them. The different clouds and hues in the sky allow me to gaze upwards for a long period longing to reach David and to touch him there. Yet, I cannot touch him. He on the other hand has touched my life and has changed it forever. I am at a stage now in my life where occasionally I do not feel the pain continuously and have a few moments of relief. At these times, I feel even guiltier and tell David that I am sorry and that I have to try to go on. I tell him that he will always be a part of me. I continue to struggle daily. I continue to function, but the zest and the spark of life is gone. The glow and the shine have become dull, but the pain lingers on.