Grief does not change anything

My advice to you is to realize that grief does not change anything. Grieving we must as love and grief are connected. It is OK to embrace life again and to go on living a fuller life that touches others and transforms their lives.

He is tucked in my heart

There is nothing that I can do for David. I can however learn a lot of lessons from his life and continue to cherish him throughout my life. I can spread his message of love and kindness. I can talk about his giving spirit, about his loyalty and about his great love. My love for him is grounded in my soul. I will never forget his presence at important and critical occasions and his concern and caring. His beauty will remain with me and I can reach him all the time as he is tucked safely in my heart.

Diary Notes

David died in August and I wrote this in November.
Another month without my David. The sadness grows as time moves. I do not know why he had to die and will never know why. My thoughts however do not match my feelings. I try to be strong and then I fail. How can I be strong when my son is gone? How can I go on with the trivial daily chores that have no meaning? I can’t stand it. I never realized how empty life could be. I feel so humbled by all this. I am nobody. I am nothing. I long for David and want to hold him. I continually have tears in my eyes. I have fears that I will not remember some aspects of his life. This is why I am trying to write as much as I can. His face I have memorized as well as his gentleness and love. I miss him so terribly and there is deep hole in my heart and soul.

Guilt

Guilt robs us of our happiness. It reminds us that we did not do the right thing. Guilt feelings remind us of the past and what happened that should not have happened. I feel guilty that I outlived my son. I feel guilty when I cook his favorite food. I feel guilty when I laugh.

I do not have guilt feelings about my role as his mother. I loved David unconditionally. I gave him my time, and my full attention. He knew that he was loved. He knew that he was safe with us. He knew that he was very important to us. He too loved us.

The Pain

The pain of losing a child is unbearable. It is like thrusting a dagger in my heart over and over again. Every impulse in me shrieks with outrage at the loss. My spirit is broken. The sensation of pain is perpetual. It smarts, pierces and does not go away. My chest falls and rises with the tides of my emotions as I wail for my son. Eventually I am left breathless as the tide subsides. 

I am sure that every parent who lost a child experiences this kind of pain. No one else can feel it unless they have been there on the same bench with with me. What can you do? Cry all you can. Write all you can. Keep busy all you can. Think of the times you loved each other all you can. The pain that you are experiencing will not kill you but it will exhaust you. Take good care of yourself. Pamper yourself in every way. Don't let the pain wear you down so much that you become ill. Because of the very tender and intimate relationship that you had with your child, your pain is so great and so devastating. The love that you bear for your child will just make your capacity for love even greater.

Those who have not been there have no concept. We who have been there cannot fully tell of our experiences as the pain and sorrow is unspeakable. We cannot avoid the pain if we love, even if we love a little. In sorrow we grow just as flowers need the rain.

Sorrow Walks Beside Me

The article "Sorrow Walks Beside Me" is in my book "Topics in Grief. This note was sent to me by a woman who lost her son.

I just LOVE your article about sorrow walks beside me. I like to write but I am not a good writer. However, I do write a lot to release my pain. I did write some time ago " pain is my shadow" and I felt like you are so similar to me on how we grieve our children. People grieve in many many different ways. I guess mothers are alike in many loving ways. 

If I had thought

If I had thought that David would die. If I had thought that time would be over for him. If I had thought that I will no longer see his beautiful face. If I had thought that he would smile no more. If I had thought that when I speak to him he would not answer. If I had thought that he will never hug me again. If I had thought that I will never hear him call me “mom” again. Could I have changed anything?

I never thought that I would shed so many tears. I never thought that sorrow will be with me forever. I never thought that I would yell and scream in the car. I never thought that the pain would be so brutal. I never thought that the pain would return on a daily basis. I never thought that I would be so lonely. I never thought that my world would be empty. I never thought that nothing would console me. I never thought that I would be so devastated. I never thought that I would lose my identity. I never thought that I would feel so abandoned. I never thought that people would avoid me just because I lost my son. I never thought that grieving would make me so fatigued. I never thought that I will be in such despair. I never thought that I would want to die. I never thought that I would feel that I do not belong here on earth. I never thought that the sky was as beautiful as it is now. It draws me towards my son. I never thought that I would be so hurt. I never thought that my broken heart will never mend.  I never thought that my longing for my son will be permanent. I never thought that nature would console me more than people. I never thought that death was so terminal. I never thought that my son is more alive in my heart now that he is absent from the body. I never thought that I would ever bury my son. I never thought that I will continue searching for my son on this earth knowing that he is nowhere to be found. I never thought that he will be constantly in my thoughts and that everything that surrounds me reminds me of him.

 Why is it so painful? Why do I not settle this loss? Why do I feel so abandoned? Why do I grieve so deeply? David is the reason. We two were connected in a special way. He was such an integral part of my life. I still feel so lost without him. I am beside myself. I do not know where to go. I do not know how to escape this sorrow. I do not know if there is a cure. I do not know if I can ever be me again. I do not know why I had to lose such a beautiful son. I don’t know how to bring my faith above my circumstances. I do not know how to forget the physical aspect of life and just try to live in the eternal sphere. How stupid it is to grieve. Nothing is going to restore the situation back. Nothing will ever bring my son back. Yet my heart continues to bleed. There is no escape. The loss is so massive and irreplaceable. I wish that I could start all over again. Life does not give me such a chance. I do not know what to do or where to go.

There is nothing that I can do for David. I can however learn a lot of lessons from his life and continue to cherish him throughout my life. I can spread his message of love and kindness. I can talk about his giving spirit, about his loyalty and about his great love. Love is forever and will never leave. It is grounded in my soul. I will never forget his presence at important and critical occasions and his concern and caring. His beauty will remain with me and I can reach him all the time as he is tucked safely in my heart.