"You will never be the same happy"

At David’s funeral a psychotherapist said to me: “you will never be the same happy”. These words continue to ring in my ears as he was so accurate in portraying this fact that is associated with losing a child.

The statement indicates that I can be happy again but not as before. As time goes by I am realizing that there are moments of happiness here and there, but they are always co-mingled with deep sorrow and sadness. How can life be the same as before the loss? 

Happiness comes from the word happen. What happened to me is that I lost my son. What I want is to change what happened and make it not happen. Since I cannot change what happened that makes me unhappy. However as I go through life I am experiencing other happenings which make me somewhat happy. The minute I begin to feel a bit happy, the thought that David is not with me to share it takes some of that happiness away. I believe that this is what the therapist meant, and he was right on.

 

 

Guilt

Guilt robs us of our happiness. It reminds us that we did not do the right thing. Guilt feelings remind us of the past and what happened that should not have happened. I feel guilty that I outlived my son. I feel guilty when I cook his favorite food. I feel guilty when I laugh.

I do not have guilt feelings about my role as his mother. I loved David unconditionally. I gave him my time, and my full attention. He knew that he was loved. He knew that he was safe with us. He knew that he was very important to us. He too loved us.