Be Still

After David died, I heard the hymn; “Be Still and Know that I am God” This statement appears as a verse in Psalm 46:10.

How can I be still when my flesh and blood is in the grave? How can I be still when I lost my most precious gift? How can I be still when part of me died? How can I be still when nothing makes sense? How can I be still when my will is broken? How can I be still when I feel the way I do? How can I be still when I am tormented? How can I be still when my whole being is shook? How can I be still when everything around me has changed? I am in a state of flux. I am in a state of change. Everything changed when my son died. The whole world is no longer the same. I am not the same. I will never be the same. The way I think is different. The way I respond to people is different. I just pray that the good that is promised from this entire calamity will surface soon as I cannot take it anymore. The suffering due to this loss is unimaginable and even indescribable. The pain that grips my soul is mixed with fear and despair.

I feel breathless at times.

Grief is Cyclic

Some of what I wrote in the past during my deepest sorrow.


There is something very sad when a young person dies. The loss is both for the one who dies and to those left behind especially the parents. The child who dies never gets to complete his life on this earth. He misses out on the many joys and sorrows that life offers, yet this is the fate of all mankind. Every man dies. In a way no matter how long one lives, the end is death. So maybe it does not matter in the long term. The parents on the other hand are devastated. They have to go on with the pain of the loss. 

In my case, I am changed forever. I will never be the same. I have become too emotional and I cry at the smallest thing. David is complete. He is safe and happy. I am in a million of pieces, fragmented and totally lost. Nothing seems to fill the void. The emptiness that I feel is awful. I am in despair. I anguish over everything. Life dealt me a big blow. 

In a million years I never imagined that I would bury my own flesh and blood. Oh how I yearn for him. I try to fill my soul and my mind with images and words of David. I go over every detail of our lives together. I cherish these memories. I go over pictures again and again in unbelief. I touch the pictures as if I am touching him. I touch his plants. I touch the walls that he painted and then I wail in despair. It is a continual cycle of memories and tears. My eyes have been hurting badly. They are always swollen and red. I keep saying to myself “How could this be”? My heart skips a beat. It is so unreal. The spark of life is extinguished and I just go through the everyday routines. I need to however reach a place of peace and to resolve my grief. The issues and questions that bother me need to be resolved and answered. Maybe in time some answers will emerge. I just had a long cry and my eyes hurt again. I need these cries so that I can function the rest of the day.