Despair

I wrote this 5 years after David died. It took me 9 years before I became somewhat sane.

I feel down again. I am in tears. I do not know what to do. I do not want to live like this. I want what I had. I cannot accept life without David. I am furious. I am mad. I am angry. I am broken. I am beside myself. I am devastated. I am hurt. I am wounded. I am bleeding. I am dying. I am not me. I do not know who I am. I am nobody. I am nothing. I am less than nothing. I am empty. I am void. I am not ready to start all over. I am tired of trying to overcome this pain. I am tired of everything. I cannot face the days any longer. I am bored with life. I am sooooooooooooooo sad. I am so unhappy. I am so tired of pretending. I am ready for something miraculous to happen. There are no miracles. I am without faith right now. I do not know how to pray anymore. I do not know how to hope anymore. I do not understand what I have written all this time. There is no meaning to anything anymore.