Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Unspeakable Pain

When it comes down to it, the loss is great and is forever. No matter what anyone says, it is the saddest thing that happened to us. Losing David is devastating. I miss him more and more as time goes by. I try to go on with my life, but this is not the life I knew before. It has a big piece missing from it. There will always be a gap and a hole that no one else can fill. I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I did not have to go through this pain and agony. I wish that I could be restored to the same level as before the loss. Yet how could this be? There is no way that I could go back to what used to be. I miss his person. I miss everything about him. I miss his voice and hugs. I am tearing as I write these words. Why do I continue to feel such pain? What happened to the eternal view? Why do I write things and then realize that it is all words. Words and thoughts do not remove the pain. I am thankful for the moments when I do not hurt so badly. I am thankful that I can sleep at night even though many times I am restless. I dread getting older without him. I miss all the love that he gave me. I wish that I could describe the feelings that I experience better. How can I describe them? Words cannot do it as it is something that is unspeakable. Only God can know how I feel as He knows the heart. I think of God giving up His son to die for us on the cross and then I realize that I do not have the strength that God has to endure this pain. I thank God for nature and the flowers and birds. The beauty of the sky and the creation have sustained me as well. They seem to draw me closer to David. His spirit is so vivid and his beauty is so visible to me. I am sick of cruel explanations as to why I feel the way I do. I have no clue and yet everyone else seems to know why.

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