I have changed

David’s loss is too drastic for me and it has created a big gap between how I feel and how the rest of the world feels. They have no idea as to how I have changed and how their words which were normal once seem absurd to me now.

I pretend

I pretend that I am fine when I am with people and then when I am alone I scream and yell and cry and wail. It seems that there is no consolation in this type of loss.My life will forever hurt as I miss my loving son. People think that as time goes by I should feel better as if my son is coming back. It is going to be 13 years for me this August and I miss David more and more and the loneliness is so severe even when I am with many people. My voice changed and even the look on my face has changed. At times I cannot bear it. I despair even though I am told that I should not despair. My pain does not change anything and sometimes I think that it is so stupid to grieve and yet I cannot help myself. Everyday the tension builds up and then the tears flow. There are so many reminders that bring pain and sorrow. I hate it when people tell me that I am strong. After all they do not know what to say. I have been educated by sorrow and loss. I am always thinking of others with a similar loss.

Wishes

Why is it that I cannot describe what I am feeling? Now that the weather is getting beautiful and spring time is arriving I seem to be more emotional and more sad. I am really surprised that the pain has not subsided but seems to reemerge at a constant frequency. I cannot fathom the absence and the loss of David. I still cannot believe that he really died. I hate everything. I do not want to go on at times. I still scream and wail quite a bit. I go through periods of despair. I often want to give up on everything and then I reconnect and get busy doing this and that in order to get distracted from the void and the loss. I seem to have difficulty agreeing with anyone as to how I should feel or what to do and how to live.

 I wish that I was not one of those unlucky mothers who had to bury her lovely son. I wish that my life was more docile and quiet. I wish that my soul was less restless. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could see a reason for losing David. I wish that my life was not so bitter. I wish that my heart would heal. I wish that my soul would be filled with joy again.  I wish that my world was not altered so drastically. I wish that I could talk to David and hear his voice. I wish that we would hug again. I wish that we could sit on the deck together and converse as before. I wish that I could see him driving on the streets as before. I wish that he would make me a pizza as he used to.  I wish that I could die at times and yet I want to live at other times. I wish that I could wish the pain away. I wish that I could have something that would cure me from my sad feelings and would restore me to what I used to be before losing David.

 Nothing is going to fulfill any of these wishes. I will go on wishing my life away. Then I think that it is so stupid to grieve. It is not going to change anything. Yet, I cannot help myself. My whole being is revolting. I would be so much better off if I just accept what happened and go on with my life. Yet what happened is unacceptable to me. I thought that children buried their parents and not the other way around. This is backwards. It is against nature. My daughter Melanie always says to me “mom, it is what it is”. She is right, but I wish that “it isn’t what it is”. 

Diary Notes November 2003

    When David Died I started a diary. This is an entry in that diary that describes the devastation.

  November 3, 2003. I feel the grief every moment. I try to keep busy just to let the moments go by. I have become acquainted with grief. I concluded that no one can feel the pain that someone is going through unless they have experienced a similar loss and even then the feelings are going to be different. These feelings will depend on the relationship that the loved one had with the bereaved. The closer the relationship, the greater is the pain. I am struggling between the human and the spiritual. As a human, I think of all the things that David missed out on and my heart breaks. I anguish when I see young people. I anguish when the day is beautiful. I anguish when I eat something that David loved. I anguish all the time. When I think spiritually, I realize that all we have is time. Time will pass on and we all will be gone some day. Yet time is so precious. God gave us this life to enjoy. He blessed us with so many good things. David lost all this. My heart aches. I know that all that I am writing is not organized. Maybe it will make sense someday when it is put together. David was a special boy. He is the sensitive kind, the kind of boy that gets hurt easily. He also was a dreamer. He wanted to become so many things. He wanted to be a basketball player at one time. He tried acting. He tried computing, carpentry, and pizza. Yet when he did something he was very good at it. He loved the arts and nature. I am going to miss his presence at family gatherings. In a way I believe that part of the loss is due to the fact that we did not have a real extended family. His dad taught him how to fish and he did spend time with him. I am tired from grieving. I feel wasted. I still cannot comprehend the massive loss. As I think about it I become desperate. I do not get comfort as the days go by. I still feel sick as the image of his face is implanted in my memory. When I went upstairs to go to bed, all of a sudden, I started crying and could not quit. I basically threw a fit and wanted to die. I finally went to sleep.