I pretend

I pretend that I am fine when I am with people and then when I am alone I scream and yell and cry and wail. It seems that there is no consolation in this type of loss.My life will forever hurt as I miss my loving son. People think that as time goes by I should feel better as if my son is coming back. It is going to be 13 years for me this August and I miss David more and more and the loneliness is so severe even when I am with many people. My voice changed and even the look on my face has changed. At times I cannot bear it. I despair even though I am told that I should not despair. My pain does not change anything and sometimes I think that it is so stupid to grieve and yet I cannot help myself. Everyday the tension builds up and then the tears flow. There are so many reminders that bring pain and sorrow. I hate it when people tell me that I am strong. After all they do not know what to say. I have been educated by sorrow and loss. I am always thinking of others with a similar loss.