Diary Notes November 2003

    When David Died I started a diary. This is an entry in that diary that describes the devastation.

  November 3, 2003. I feel the grief every moment. I try to keep busy just to let the moments go by. I have become acquainted with grief. I concluded that no one can feel the pain that someone is going through unless they have experienced a similar loss and even then the feelings are going to be different. These feelings will depend on the relationship that the loved one had with the bereaved. The closer the relationship, the greater is the pain. I am struggling between the human and the spiritual. As a human, I think of all the things that David missed out on and my heart breaks. I anguish when I see young people. I anguish when the day is beautiful. I anguish when I eat something that David loved. I anguish all the time. When I think spiritually, I realize that all we have is time. Time will pass on and we all will be gone some day. Yet time is so precious. God gave us this life to enjoy. He blessed us with so many good things. David lost all this. My heart aches. I know that all that I am writing is not organized. Maybe it will make sense someday when it is put together. David was a special boy. He is the sensitive kind, the kind of boy that gets hurt easily. He also was a dreamer. He wanted to become so many things. He wanted to be a basketball player at one time. He tried acting. He tried computing, carpentry, and pizza. Yet when he did something he was very good at it. He loved the arts and nature. I am going to miss his presence at family gatherings. In a way I believe that part of the loss is due to the fact that we did not have a real extended family. His dad taught him how to fish and he did spend time with him. I am tired from grieving. I feel wasted. I still cannot comprehend the massive loss. As I think about it I become desperate. I do not get comfort as the days go by. I still feel sick as the image of his face is implanted in my memory. When I went upstairs to go to bed, all of a sudden, I started crying and could not quit. I basically threw a fit and wanted to die. I finally went to sleep.