Sometimes for some reason I felt that David was still alive
and I could not separate from him. I continued to struggle with all kinds of
ideas and feelings about this massive loss. I continued to bleed internally as
if the blood will not stop flowing. I was so emotional most of the time. It was
so hard to not have David with us. I went through fits of rage and despair. I sometimes
did not know how I could go on and how I survived so far. All the fixes that I had
were temporary. They did not do the trick. I often called people in order to
get over the despair. Yet the cycle of despair continued to go on and on.
Now as time rolls by, I continue to experience sorrow and
despair at times. I continue to cry over him. It is a daily ritual. However, I
admit that intervals of pain are much shorter and less frequent. I learned to
live again rather than just exist. I learned to appreciate every breath that I
take. I learned to see beauty in everything. I learned to care for others. But most of all I realized that my love for David will never die.
