Who am I?

When David died I was full of confusion. This is what I wrote one day in my diary regarding how I felt.

I am in such pain at this moment. I just arrived at school and I am full of anger over the loss. When will I ever get normal again? Is there such a thing? I do not know. I pretend to be normal yet my heart feels alone. There is a guise and a veneer that covers all the pain. I am sick and tired of these horrible feelings that make me want to die. I cannot believe that this is for real. It is like a horrible dream that I want to forget. Yet it is not a dream. It is reality and reality bites. We are given one life and to lose it so drastically and so quickly is not acceptable to me. My life is in ruins. Even though I have moments of brightness here and there, there is more darkness that surrounds me than light. My faith fluctuates from moment to moment. It comes and goes. I want to be drawn closer to God and to accept the unacceptable, but my soul is still in rebellion. It seems that losing David is like losing me. I do not know who I am or what I am doing most of the time. I WANT TO BE KNOWN AS THE WOMAN WHO LOST A SON. This is my new identity.

I Weep

During this holiday season I am more emotional than ever and the loneliness and despair has resulted in the writing of this short article.

  

I weep not only for losing my son but for all the parents who lost their children. I weep when I think of his face, I weep for his empty place. I weep when I think of the cold ground that covers him. Is he really gone from me on earth? I question that and continue to weep.

I have cried and wrestled often in prayer. How could someone as precious, so dear to my heart vanish like vapor and disappear? Yet I say to myself no, no, he is still with me. And then I say to myself “where is my son?” Where is he hiding? I look for him everywhere, among the flowers and trees, around the empty streets, in the house and everywhere, yet he is not there.

Pleasant memories bring him back to me, and my eyes become blurry with tears, yet there is no glimpse of him. Loneliness fills my soul and I question his whereabouts and wonder how one so close to me in life could be so far away now. I am alone and my heart is broken and my longing for him is as strong as ever. I long for him by day and by night. I often wish that he would come back again and free me from all the intense pain. Just as the leaves fall and the flowers die, I think of my son who is gone.

My hopes and feelings are confused; my sick heart grieves and is full of anguish. Yet his going from this earth has given me serener thoughts and nearness to the sky, and has opened my heart and my eyes to see what is beautiful and has strengthened my faith and turned me around from what is temporal to what is eternal.