Sunday, September 13, 2015

Who am I?

When David died I was full of confusion. This is what I wrote one day in my diary regarding how I felt.

I am in such pain at this moment. I just arrived at school and I am full of anger over the loss. When will I ever get normal again? Is there such a thing? I do not know. I pretend to be normal yet my heart feels alone. There is a guise and a veneer that covers all the pain. I am sick and tired of these horrible feelings that make me want to die. I cannot believe that this is for real. It is like a horrible dream that I want to forget. Yet it is not a dream. It is reality and reality bites. We are given one life and to lose it so drastically and so quickly is not acceptable to me. My life is in ruins. Even though I have moments of brightness here and there, there is more darkness that surrounds me than light. My faith fluctuates from moment to moment. It comes and goes. I want to be drawn closer to God and to accept the unacceptable, but my soul is still in rebellion. It seems that losing David is like losing me. I do not know who I am or what I am doing most of the time. I WANT TO BE KNOWN AS THE WOMAN WHO LOST A SON. This is my new identity.

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