Sunday, September 22, 2013

C.S. Lewis Quote

I read from C.S.Lewis “Don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand”. He wrote this after his wife died.

Many people believe that religion and faith can take the pain away and can comfort those who are grieving. I believe that in time God and God alone can bring comfort to the hurting soul, but not immediately after the loss.

I continue to hurt on a daily basis. Last night while eating, tears began to flow unexpectedly. When I saw the sunset, I lost it again. David continues to consume me with his memories. I go to bed thinking about him. I wake up doing the same thing. I walk around watching the people who are oblivious to my pain and feelings. I want the whole world to know that I lost my son. Yet I have to live a facade. I have to pretend that all is fine.

I am tired of people who tell me that “Life goes on”. It is no longer the same life. Don’t they know that everything has changed? I am not me. I do not know who I am or what I am. All is a mystery now. I feel so lonely amidst the crowds. I am consumed in my own grief and sorrow. The reality of the loss is unbearable. I wonder if my heart will ever heal.    

The one thing that I want in life is the one thing that I cannot have. He is gone forever, his laughter, his hugs, his voice and all that had meaning to my life is gone. Many times I realize that I cannot get rid of the pain, but have to go through it. Grief continues to feel like fear and anxiety and suspense at times. I often feel my heart skipping a beat. I just sit at times to recover from the pain. There seems to be more time than before. Time seems longer. I want time to pass faster. As time passes, I have noticed that David is with me everywhere I go. I sense his presence at all times. I just miss the tangible part so much and want to hear him and feel him.

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