When your child's candle burned out, you were left in the dark
grouping to find your way again. You have to go through the pain and there is
no pain like this pain. Even though you will feel like you want to die, somehow
you will survive. However you will struggle every day to make it. You will be
dissatisfied with life because the one you love is gone and you will forever
long for him/her. Any occasion or celebration that you are involved in will be a
mixture of sorrow and joy. You will ask many questions, but there are no
answers. People will offer you solutions, but there are no solutions. You will
worry that in time people will forget your child. Trust me your child will never be forgotten.
Just take it day by day. Do not worry about tomorrow. Try
to live in the moment. Everything that you thought was important is no longer
important. You will see life in a different way. Be good to yourself. Nothing
that you do will change anything. Remember that you did the best that you
could. You should not feel guilty about anything. Your child knew that you loved him
and you were loved in return. You can keep your child safe in
your heart. As long as you are in the flesh, you will hurt. Your heart is
bleeding and healing will take a lifetime. You will see so many things that
will remind you of your child. You will hear your child's music and cry. You will watch your child's
favorite TV programs and cry. You will see young people who resemble your child and
cry. Yet you will be thankful that your child was a part of your life even though for
just a short time. The value of life is not to be measured by the number of
years, but by the impact that your child's life had on others. Your child will be missed
terribly.
I cannot tell you how to do it. Each one of you has to find
your own way. I know that keeping busy helped me as well as walking. Sometimes
when I was about to bust I just walked. It is as if I was walking my grief
away. I found that the car was the safest place for me to cry and scream. I
think that tears are helpful. At times I could not function unless I cried
first. I sat a lot and did nothing. I was fatigued. They say that grieving is
the hardest work that one can do. You are going to feel that life has no
meaning anymore and that you have no purpose. It is OK to feel that way. I used
to say to the Lord while crying “Lord anything, but not my son”. I had a hard
time going to church as every hymn brought tears to my eyes. I remember when I
heard “Rock of Ages” I just could not stop crying. My eyes still drain as if
they leak. When I hear the hymn “Be still my soul” I tell the Lord how can I be
still when my soul is raging. I experienced anxiety and my legs shook. At times
I could hardly breathe. When I was desperate, somehow the Lord sent someone or
something happened that allowed me to survive. It is a daily battle. I was told
that I needed counseling and I went for a year. It did not solve anything. You
need to find someone who is willing to listen to you. I must admit that time
does not take the sting away, but it lessens the frequency of tears and will
give you some relief. If I did not have the Lord and nature I would not have survived. I thank the
Lord for the beauty of his creation which has become more pronounced after the loss. The people that I thought would be there for me were not. I was amazed at
the strangers who were more helpful than the so called friends. Everyone is
going to tell you to be strong. You don’t have to be strong. You have earned
the right to be whatever you want to be.
