Thoughts of Anguish

I wrote this in December of 2005. David died in August of 2003.

I do not understand why this had to happen to me. I try to rationalize and spiritualize and then I get hit with another wave of despair. It is really very difficult to survive with this massive loss. I have no choice but to go on. Sometimes I believe and sometimes I do not believe. It is at those times that I feel despair and want to die. Every day I repeat the same thing and I go on day after day with the same sorrow and despair. This is not living. It is so painful.

I wake up every morning realizing that I lost the most out of life. Despite all that I have, it seems that it does not balance out the loss. Even if I try to look at things in a positive way that does not change the harsh reality of the awesome loss. Why do I have to suffer thus? I am so lonely. I am so empty. I keep busy with stupid mundane stuff that has no meaning to me. What is the big deal? Why do we put so much energy into building a future? What is the future? I do not know any more. I guess I am pessimistic as my therapist once told me. He did not know how to deal with my loss as he never lost a child. I was so innocent. I was told that I needed therapy. I actually thought that by talking to a therapist my sorrow would vanish. It does not work that way. Therapy does not work.

 I also think of how easily Christians quote the wrong verses that do not console. I remember when a distant relative heard that I lost David she quickly blurted “The lord gave and the Lord taketh away”.  Here is a woman who did not lose a son who thinks that by quoting the Bible I am supposed to magically be healed or consoled. All I am looking for is for someone to hug me and to tell me “I can’t imagine what you are going through”, or “I am here for you if you need to talk”.

I am really lost in many ways. I do not belong any more anywhere. My world is empty without David. I have to relearn to live without him and I do not want to do that. I just go on day by day waiting for my life to end. I am really disappointed in life and desperate for a miracle that would change me so that I can find some sort of peace and hope.