Why do I garden?

When David died I went crazy and cried without stopping. I wailed and yelled and would not be consoled. Everything was dark and there was no hope to go on. When I was in deep despair I would go out for a walk or try to garden. I designed a new garden and named it “David’s Garden”.  I would dig in the dirt and just get lost in the beauty of nature. Gardening connected me to God and to my son. Flowers dissipated the gloom within my soul and brought sudden joy through my downcast spirit. They put on a glow of many colors, all dressed in beauty and wonder. The air was all perfume from their scent. People walk by and admire the garden and I get to talk to them about my son. 

How do I feel after years of loss?

I still wake up every morning realizing that something is missing in my life. I wake up sad. I still cannot believe that David is gone forever. It is a nightmare. It is the biggest disaster of my life. I keep asking the question “How could this have happened to us?” I wish that I had a chance to say goodbye. Once in a while my heart skips a beat. There is a moment of fear that comes now and then. I continue to see his image in my mind. Oh how I wish that I had not lost him. I want him back so badly. I know that I cannot have him, but I continue to wish anyway.

 

Do you miss your grief?

When David died I wanted my pain to subside. It was unendurable. Now after almost 13 years the pain is still extreme but much less frequent. I actually cherish the pain when it returns as it reconnects me with my precious son. Therefore I recommend that you cherish your grief.

 

Still Waiting

I continue to wait for David to come up the driveway admiring the flowers. I wait for him to hug me. I wait for him in the kitchen to enjoy my cooking. I envision him all over the house. I see him in the kitchen talking to me while I am cooking. I see him in the family room sitting on the couch and watching his favorite movie with us. I often see him fixing what needed to be fixed and painting the walls or ceilings. He is everywhere and yet the house is void, cold and empty.

When I speak about my Loss

When I speak to some about my loss, some tell me that they just read in the paper that a young person was just killed in a car accident or that some young person died due to cancer or drugs. Some people try to comfort me by telling me that they know a woman who lost two children or that a woman lost her only child. Others tell me that he is in a better place and that it is the will of God. Many have told me that this is life and others have it worse than me. No matter what I do or think or analyze grief follows me and tears have not ceased and the pain persists. I am now being told that I am stuck in my grief. Don’t they know that as long as I live I will mourn my son? I know who I am and when I continue to experience profound sadness that no one else can feel, why should I always be questioned about my feelings? 

Losing a Child

After I lost my son David, I was told by many that losing a child is like losing a limb which cripples you for a while. I feel that losing a child is more than that. It is like losing a vital organ such as your heart or your lungs.  Your heart is broken for life, it is wounded and bleeding, and sometimes you can hardly breathe. 

Untimely Death

The biggest trial of my life is the untimely death of my son David at age thirty. His death was sudden. He was cut down in the prime of his life, amidst all the vigor of manhood. I wonder if he suspected whether he would die so soon. I wonder if he thought that he would have a long life here on earth with all its earthly satisfactions. David grew up into a lovely young man. But behold unexpected death crushed him. We therefore must not trust in youth, or strength, or in anything mortal, for there is nothing certain, except God and death. Death is relentless and does not discriminate. The transition from time to eternity is so short and can happen in an instant. As a passionate mother, I am connected to the real taste of life, and the constant thought of death. This prepared condition to depart at a moment’s warning allows me to be prepared for anything that may come my way.