Grief Happens

I cannot explain my grief. It is a mystery to me. Grief happens. I do not plan to cry or not to cry. My soul gets overwhelmed and is very heavy and then the tears flow like rivers of water. There is no planning, there is no expectation, only subtle vibes that fill my soul with memories and lead to crying. The experiences that I have are unspeakable. At times my life is a living death and yet I was able to climb out of the pit and to make it. I still do not understand how I was able to survive. Maybe it is because God knows who I am and is touched by my sorrow and pain. I found my way by groping in the dark. I had to experience and go through the grief. Part of me wants to continue to grieve and part of me wants to embrace life. I feel that I am somewhere between heaven and earth. This is because I have treasures in both places and "where your treasure is there your heart is also".

New Year's Promises

Some of the promises for the New Year for me are to make sure that my son’s name will be mentioned. I want to make my life count for good. I want to be able to help others who have lost children to survive the loss. I want to be a good listener to those who hurt. I want to be kind and compassionate towards others. Caring is a quality that is needed these days. I promise to lift my head up high and be free from the world’s criticisms. I promise to love and to share as sharing is a part of caring. I promise to let go of vain regrets and to hold unto memories of yesterday’s looking forward to a new year.  Losing David will always be a part of me as I step into this New Year and years to come. It is a determining power that will forever guide me. The old year is gone; maybe I should try not to carry its burdens to the New Year.  I can always be thankful that my son has enriched my life in so many ways. He is gone, but will never be forgotten even if I were to live a million years from now.

Tears can Tell

Tears are not a sign of weakness.  Often when we cry in front of people they try to stop us. They seem to be uncomfortable with our tears. Maybe they think that are weak because we cry. I think that our tears are a tribute of our love. Our tears seem to cleanse our soul and connect us more with our children. Tears relieve the tension that has been building inside. If we don’t cry we would explode. Once we cry we feel better.

Tears are a gift from God. They speak more loudly than words of how deeply we feel about our loss. We should never be ashamed of our tears. Do not hide your tears especially when you have such deep sorrow.  I know that tears cannot give us back our lost treasure.

In heaven there are no tears. “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain…” Revelations 21:4

The Gift

December is a very special month for me as it is the month in which my son David was born. He was 30 years old when we lost him.

I am so thankful that David came into my life. What would my life be like if David was not born? I would not have known love and sorrow to the level that I do now. I would not have related in part to the pain that Mary the mother of our Lord endured as she watched her lovely son die for us. I would not have been able to distinguish between what is essential in life and what is trivial. I would not have been as sensitive and caring towards others as I am now. I would not have the same longing for the eternal as opposed to the temporal.

Recently I have been reflecting on Christmas in a different way. I was thinking that if Jesus had not come, what would our world be like. There would be no Christmas trees to decorate, no stockings hanging by the chimney, no Christmas bells, carols or holly. There would not be as many gifts to exchange and children to wonder at the beauty of the manger. We would not have the hymns and books that were written about Him. We would not have the hope and salvation that we have. We would not have anything to look forward to. There will be no hope of seeing David again. “Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift.” II Corinthians 9:15 

Aching Heart

Diary Notes

I constantly think of David and my heart aches. The pain returns daily and sometimes I cannot stand it.  I ache, I throb, I tear and I cannot escape the horror of it.

I yelled and screamed in the car and conversed with God about my pain and was exhausted. It poured and I had difficulty driving. The storm reminded me of my raging soul. Prior to losing D my life had trials and difficulties but my life seemed storm-less. After supper I struggled at night. My shrinking heart quivers with its intensity of suffering. I am not content without David.

Mixed Dreams and Pain

Diary Notes

I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on.  I am so confused and tormented. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbearable and the tears do not dry. I later read a bit but could not sleep. I heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can’t be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people use to make sense out of David’s death. None of these make sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.