Why do I Continue to Garden?

Why Do I Continue to Garden?
After losing my son David, I almost died from the pain ad sorrow. One way that I dealt with the loss was to create gardens which kept me sane. There is a healing aspect to gardening. I surround myself with beauty which dissipates some of the pain. Try it. It works.

I Look for Him

I look for him among the flowers when I garden. I look for him in my kitchen and when I am sitting by the fire place. I look for him at every celebration and when family gathers at special occasions. I look for him while driving the streets where he used to be. I look for him when I see a German shepherd go by. I look for him when I hear one of his favorite songs or when I see someone play the guitar. I look for him among young people who are so much alive. I look for him when I gaze upon the sky.  I look for him when I watch the sunset over the sea. I look for him at daybreak when the sky turns to fire and the dawn arrives. I look for him in the moon and the stars. I look for him in the different hues of the clouds which allow me to gaze upwards for a long time longing to reach him. I look for him when I see a butterfly come by and when a bird sings. I see his reflection in many things and sometimes want to grasp him, but I realize it is not he.

My passion for him and my pierced heart will forever continue to seek him. Yet silence surrounds me and I often wake up in the night and weep. So as I journey along life’s paths, I seem to feel as an alien among the crowds. I move alone from place to place and carry my lonely heart along with me. I am often drawn to nature hoping to find my lost treasure there.

After the day’s exhaustion I embrace sleep as a gift supreme that restores me to face another day without him.

Love and Sorrow are connected

Whenever I get up in the morning or go to bed in the evening sorrow wakes up with me and goes to sleep with me. Sorrow walks beside me at all times, morning, noon and night. There is nothing that I do or think about that does not include sorrow in it. I cannot escape it. Beautiful things bring tears to my eyes. The passing of David brought me so much sorrow. I do not hate sorrow. My soul is educated by it. Sorrow is the teacher of my heart and not my intellect or will. Memories, personal experiences of yesterday are the lessons. These lessons are learned through tears. Most of what I learned came in the darkest hours of my life. This is the most costly education as my son paid for it with his life. Sorrow has has brought me calmness and strength as well as the power to endure. It seems to be the key to unlock the door to unseen and beautiful things and allows me to comfort those who need me. Love and sorrow go hand in hand, the greater the love, the greater the sorrow. 

The people that I appreciated most

It is the people who did not try to enter into my feelings and did not offer me false comfort or false solutions that I appreciated the most. They did not tell me that I need to take something to feel better. They did not tell me that I need to see a therapist. They did not tell me that I need to have more faith. They did not tell me that I need to read my Bible more. They did not tell me that they feel my pain. They did not tell me that life goes on. They did not tell me to be thankful that I had David for 30 years. They did not tell me to be thankful for the memories. They did not tell me that he is in a better place. They did not tell me that it is the will of God. They did not tell me that I am strong. They did not tell me that I should not live in the past. They did not ask me if I had other children. They did not ask me how he died. These are the people who did not invade my privacy but stood at the periphery respecting me and my journey through the path of grief and sorrow. They encouraged me just by listening to me or giving me a hug, knowing full well that they were as powerless as I was.