When I speak about my Loss

When I speak to some about my loss, some tell me that they just read in the paper that a young person was just killed in a car accident or that some young person died due to cancer or drugs. Some people try to comfort me by telling me that they know a woman who lost two children or that a woman lost her only child. Others tell me that he is in a better place and that it is the will of God. Many have told me that this is life and others have it worse than me. No matter what I do or think or analyze grief follows me and tears have not ceased and the pain persists. I am now being told that I am stuck in my grief. Don’t they know that as long as I live I will mourn my son? I know who I am and when I continue to experience profound sadness that no one else can feel, why should I always be questioned about my feelings? 

Losing a Child

After I lost my son David, I was told by many that losing a child is like losing a limb which cripples you for a while. I feel that losing a child is more than that. It is like losing a vital organ such as your heart or your lungs.  Your heart is broken for life, it is wounded and bleeding, and sometimes you can hardly breathe. 

Untimely Death

The biggest trial of my life is the untimely death of my son David at age thirty. His death was sudden. He was cut down in the prime of his life, amidst all the vigor of manhood. I wonder if he suspected whether he would die so soon. I wonder if he thought that he would have a long life here on earth with all its earthly satisfactions. David grew up into a lovely young man. But behold unexpected death crushed him. We therefore must not trust in youth, or strength, or in anything mortal, for there is nothing certain, except God and death. Death is relentless and does not discriminate. The transition from time to eternity is so short and can happen in an instant. As a passionate mother, I am connected to the real taste of life, and the constant thought of death. This prepared condition to depart at a moment’s warning allows me to be prepared for anything that may come my way.

He healeth the broken in heart

The sky is filled with stars which are invisible in the day.  My son David who died is there but is invisible to me. I imagine him among the stars. I do feel his spirit around me. The stars give the most beautiful glow and have inextinguishable brightness appearing like gems in the sky. Sometimes the stars seem to cluster together. They appear closer than usual and strike the eye with great splendor. In Psalms 147: 3-4 we read “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. He appointeth the number of the stars; he calleth them by their names”. He who created the heaven and the earth has his eye on the universe and at the same time He has compassion for us, the wounded and broken hearted. 

The Sky

I look at the sky many times on a daily basis. It has a healing balm for my soul and I feel connected to it.  I have tenderness towards it as if I am reaching for what I have lost. 

Since David died, I often look at the sky. I see it now with new eyes. I realize that it is for everyone to look at and to enjoy a free view of its majesty. It seems to be my daily food. It offers perpetual comfort, exalting my heart and soothing it. At the same time it offers longing to be with David. Sometimes the sheer beauty of the sky brings tears to my eyes and makes me miss my son even more as he cannot share its grandeur with me.

The sky is the home of every heart. We need to look upwards until we realize that earth and heaven are not so far separated from each other. We must never lose the skyward look. We should never fly low; instead we must try to soar even though our wings are broken. The earth is not our home.