As Time goes by

As time rolls by, I continue to experience sorrow and despair at times. I continue to cry over my son. It is a daily ritual. However, I admit that intervals of pain are much shorter and less frequent. I learned to live again rather than just to exist. I learned to appreciate every breath that I take. I learned to see beauty in everything. I learned to care for others. I learned to live in the present and not the past or the future. 

The Pain of Losing a Child

After the recent school shooting, I began to feel for the parents who lost their children in this senseless act. I know that they are going to experience severe pain. When I lost my son I began and still experience pain like no other pain that I have experienced before. I cannot describe the pain. It cannot be expressed in the language that we speak. This is an attempt to try to describe it.

The pain is like thrusting a dagger in my heart over and over again. Every impulse in me shrieks with outrage at the loss. My spirit is broken. The sensation of pain is perpetual. It smarts, pierces and does not go away.

My heart pleads for one more glance at his face and one more of his unforgettable hugs. The load of inward affliction does not disappear with prayer. I even wrestle with God all the time. The pain is sharp and lasting. It is a ceaseless strenuous struggle of pain. I am struck down and knocked down by the pain. There is a heavy veil of darkness around me. I am worn out with mental conflict and feel stifled and oppressed at times. There is such a hurt in me. The wound is too wide and deep and keeps opening up. The pain is beyond all thought and leaves me tired and exhausted.

It is difficult to bear this heavy crushing pain. Time taunts me with my loss. My soul is desolate. The torment stops every now and then, then it begins again with fiercer and more excruciating pain. Tears have burned out my eyes.

Those who have not been there have no concept. We who have been there cannot fully tell of our experiences as the pain and sorrow is unspeakable. We cannot avoid the pain if we love, even if we love a little.

The Christmas Season

The Christmas season brings memories of joy and pain at the same time. I remember the happy day when my son David was born in December and when we placed him in a stocking under the tree as he was our Christmas gift. I remember how we decorated the Christmas tree just in time for his birthday.  I remember the joys of his childhood as he opened presents. I remember the excitement and anticipation and the smiles and laughter that we shared.  I remember the joys of the past and wish that things were different. Now my home is quiet and sad. My son is not with us and the emptiness is so clear that it sends a dagger into my heart and soul each time we gather together. Our family is no longer complete. Instead of memories however, my eyes want to see him again. My hands want to touch him again. My lips want to tell him how much I love him. My ears want to hear his voice. 

Christmas Sorrow

Every Christmas I continue to sorrow. “I will be home for Christmas” brings tears to my eyes. My son will never ever be home again. I am tired of saying that he lives within my heart. I want him physically so badly. Knowing that this will never happen in this lifetime makes my soul rebel even more against death and its horror. My soul says “I do not want to celebrate another Christmas without him”.

Grief Books

After my son died, I began to read and read about grief. I found many books about grief. Many of these books are written by professionals in the field. They talk about grief as being work. They describe the stages of grief with no feeling or emotion and what should one do or not do. The information is cold and boring as they could not point to the pain and despair that I was experiencing and still experience. They could not because they did not lose a child and have no clue about these feelings. The books that helped me the most were written by parents who lost children. I began to write articles for the Compassionate Friends. These were published monthly. Finally I put them in a book titled "Topics in Grief" by Leila Koepp. It is on Amazon.

Desperate Sadness

I am often desperately sad. The sorrow remains my companion. I imagined the world would have been different. I have lost dreams, emotional aches, and have a constant vague sense of annoyance that something is wrong.  I often wonder if my sorrow and sadness annoy others. I try to be careful. I try to hide it, however tears can tell.

I have been stubborn in my grief

I realize that I have been stubborn in my grief and refuse to listen to what others say that I should do or what I should say or what I should wear or what I should be. I do what helps me feel better even though I do not feel whole. As I go on I am experiencing a new way of living which is so different from the old way. It allows me to live more fully and at a higher plane of existence.