"You will never be the same happy"

At David’s funeral a psychotherapist said to me: “you will never be the same happy”. These words continue to ring in my ears as he was so accurate in portraying this fact that is associated with losing a child.

The statement indicates that I can be happy again but not as before. As time goes by I am realizing that there are moments of happiness here and there, but they are always co-mingled with deep sorrow and sadness. How can life be the same as before the loss? 

Happiness comes from the word happen. What happened to me is that I lost my son. What I want is to change what happened and make it not happen. Since I cannot change what happened that makes me unhappy. However as I go through life I am experiencing other happenings which make me somewhat happy. The minute I begin to feel a bit happy, the thought that David is not with me to share it takes some of that happiness away. I believe that this is what the therapist meant, and he was right on.

 

 

Don't let him ruin your life

When a woman whom I just met heard that I lost my son, she immediately blurted out the words: “Don’t let him ruin your life”.

Ruined my life? No! Instead he perfected it. He has changed the way I think, the way I live and the way I spend my time. He has made me more aware of the essentials of life and made me disregard the trivial. I actually lift my head high and I always have a prayer for someone who is going through deep waters. I am aware of the path of sorrow that they are going to tread, as I have walked through that same path, and my heart goes out to them.

 

Loneliness of the Heart

David lived alone with his German shepherd. I often asked him if he was lonely. He would say to me “No mom, I am alone, but I am not lonely”. On the other hand after he died I began to experience and still do loneliness of the heart that cannot be described in words. I could be with many people and feel lonely at the same time. What a contrast!

In my case, I spend many lonely dreary hours reflecting and missing my son.  The loss of his presence, the loss of his person has left my world empty. How can I be satisfied in a vacuum? What do I hope for, for the rest of my life? My house is empty. My heart is hollow and my whole being is in pain. I am searching and searching and need to find out what I am searching for. 

What increases my loneliness is the fact that as time goes by I have less of a chance to talk about David. When I tell people that he has been gone for so many years years, they do not respond with the same earnestness as when I told then that he died a month ago. As time goes by the need to talk about David continues and yet there is no one that I can share this with. I continue to long for him. I continue to yearn for him. No one seems to be able to fill the emptiness in my soul. The loneliness continues and at times it is so unbearable that I feel that I am going to bust. I try to remember what he used to say, his hugs, his smile, his beautiful face and of course his hazel eyes that were so soft and gentle and spoke words to any one who looked into them.