To All Those Who Have Mourned a Child

I have a special tenderness and affection for all sufferers especially those who have lost a child. Many look at our grief as prolonged and they get accustomed to it. Therefore they do not seem to care anymore as before or to console further. I am sure that many of you experience this type of resentment by so many who have not experienced such a loss. They do not realize that this type of sorrow is constantly with us.

I was told by many that time will soften my grief. The grief is not gentle or soft as they say, but I have learned to endure it as time goes by.  Love and loss go hand in hand. Because of my great love for my son I experience profound affliction. Around me everything is void as all I want is his presence. There is so much pain behind my smiling countenance. No one understands the weight of grief that I experience. Yet I believe in immortality without which there is no future.

I believe that we are great. Our greatness can be gauged by our sympathy. My heart goes out to all those who lost a child. I feel that I am one of them and therefore can comprehend them. I put myself in their place and know why they think the way they do and why they do the things that they do. I put myself in their place and instead of blaming them, I feel sorry for them. My knowledge of their loss is based on my loss.

I see all this as a great and profound subject that is limitless in extent and that guides me to live in a sphere of conscious caring and feeling for others. When I am with grieving parents I feel their presence and acknowledge their superiority to others as they have been educated by the loss.

Spring

I was attending a meeting of the faculty when I was inspired to write this poem. I penned it in two minutes and did not care whether it rhymed or not. It speaks of how I feel. People ask me as to why I am sad. I answer “Don’t you know it is spring?”

Spring is coming soon after the long winter gloom.

Trees are budding and flowers are blooming.

My heart is aching as everything reminds me of life,

Yet my son is not here to enjoy the beauty of it.

How can I go on and have a merry heart?

When death surrounds me instead of life and that smarts.

Tears continue to water the flowers as I till his garden.

My heart skips a beat each time I realize

My son was cut off in the spring of his life.

Bereaved Parents Response to Topics in Grief

"A huge thank you to Leila Koepp for expressing how I think a lot of us really feel. I feel like copying 'How are you feeling today?' and handing it out to everyone I know. I think the gut wrenching truth of it was beautiful because of its pure honesty." Melody

"I have learned from Leila that we should not hide our grief but to open up and speak. This is the best remedy for healing." Twila

The story that touched my heart and made me cry and understand how my daughter feels, was titled, 'How do you do it?'" June

"In reading her articles, my heart is always comforted by the words of Leila Koepp. She seems to understand exactly what I am feeling, and her words echo my thoughts." Charisse

"All her stories come from the heart, as truthful as she possibly can be. Even the anger as so many are afraid to share...God knows our hearts and He is a loving, forgiving God." Mary Ann

"I have been blessed with huge nuggets of peace from Leila's writings because she genuinely opens her heart, allowing the rest of us to share her pain as she guides us in our travel down the road of sorrow. She explains things in heartfelt ways that the layman can understand. Although none of us wishes to be on this road, I am grateful to be sharing it with her; because of her writings it is also a road of hope." Debbie

"Leila's articles provide me with hope. Hope that I will be reunited with Brian. They provide me a renewed faith in the belief that God is in our lives and was there when Brian died. They provide me with a perspective on my grief from one who has experienced the same deep level of grief. They provide me with comfort." Joe

Topics in Grief on YouTube

You can now view Topics in Grief on YouTube. The link is below.

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Comparing the Death of Philip Seymour Hoffman to the Death of my Son

The first time I was introduced to Philip Hoffman Seymour was when my son brought the movie “Scent of a Woman” to the house and we watched it together. We watched the movie more than once and we were fascinated by his talent as an actor and by the movie as a whole. When I heard that he died of a heroin drug overdose, I was affected by the loss as my son also died of a similar cause 10 years ago.

The media is all over the place about this tragic death. Topics like “Stars Mourn the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman”, “Drug Dealers Targeted...” and “Four Arrested in Drug Probe” and so on. He has been on the news over and over again and on the internet with many people involved on commenting whether drug addiction is a disease or a choice.

Mr. Hoffman was among the rich and famous. Unlike Mr. Hoffman, no one cared about my son’s death. He did not make the headline news. No one cared about arresting the drug dealers. In fact when I told the officer in charge that we think that there is a link to a drug dealer, he dismissed it immediately and told me that they do not bother with the small stuff. I simply told him that catching the drug dealer will not affect me but that I did not want another parent to lose a child. When the he gave me his card, he told me “I buy houses in case you want to sell his house”.

At the academy awards in 2006 in his acceptance speech Mr. Hoffman thanks his mother for raising him on her own. He was proud of his mother as my son was always proud of me. I have a tender spot in my heart for Philip as in many ways I see that he was a sensitive and caring person as my son was.

Many on the internet are judging Mr. Hoffman for dying of drugs. These people do not realize that those who die of drugs struggle all their lives and do not want to use drugs but are addicted and cannot stop no matter how hard they try. They did make a stupid choice when they tried the drugs for the first time. However, after they are addicted, I do not think that they have a choice. They are tangled and have difficulty quitting.

We know that many people are on drugs and yet they do not die. Many act as if they are better than those who overdose.  I often sense a relief on their part that justifies my son’s death in their minds because of the manner in which he died. It is as if he deserved to die because he tried drugs. I do not think that the manner of death does make a difference to the bereaved parent as to the enormity of the loss. The loss is the same. The emptiness and void is the same. However, it would have been easier to the bereaved parent if society did not distinguish to such a measure as to the differences in the causes of death.

Choosing Life

I continue to mourn a most valuable and beloved son. I continue to have a yearning affection and heart felt affliction towards him. Agonies of grief and unequaled anguish continue. The loss is beyond measure. It is aggravated by months and years of void. Months and years fly away and nothing allows joy to stay and no curtain can shut sorrow away. Without David’s presence the earth is empty. My soul cannot be content any longer in this world. My soul bleeds with anguish. I often experience my silent sorrow bursting with loud laments. I weep and refuse to be comforted. I am surprised that religion does not seem to console at times and at other times it is the only consolation that allows me to survive.  I treasure the memories. These memories are like a fund which is inexhaustible and which supplies all my wants by keeping my son alive. These memories are rich, they are happy and they are a gift.

What can I do with all the days and hours that are left before I can see David’s face again? I can live in the past and cheat myself of the present. Or I can embrace life looking forward to eternity with him. I choose the latter.