Unspeakable Pain

When it comes down to it, the loss is great and is forever. No matter what anyone says, it is the saddest thing that happened to us. Losing David is devastating. I miss him more and more as time goes by. I try to go on with my life, but this is not the life I knew before. It has a big piece missing from it. There will always be a gap and a hole that no one else can fill. I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I did not have to go through this pain and agony. I wish that I could be restored to the same level as before the loss. Yet how could this be? There is no way that I could go back to what used to be. I miss his person. I miss everything about him. I miss his voice and hugs. I am tearing as I write these words. Why do I continue to feel such pain? What happened to the eternal view? Why do I write things and then realize that it is all words. Words and thoughts do not remove the pain. I am thankful for the moments when I do not hurt so badly. I am thankful that I can sleep at night even though many times I am restless. I dread getting older without him. I miss all the love that he gave me. I wish that I could describe the feelings that I experience better. How can I describe them? Words cannot do it as it is something that is unspeakable. Only God can know how I feel as He knows the heart. I think of God giving up His son to die for us on the cross and then I realize that I do not have the strength that God has to endure this pain. I thank God for nature and the flowers and birds. The beauty of the sky and the creation have sustained me as well. They seem to draw me closer to David. His spirit is so vivid and his beauty is so visible to me. I am sick of cruel explanations as to why I feel the way I do. I have no clue and yet everyone else seems to know why.

The Comforter

The Comforter

One came to me when love was dead,

“Be brave, be brave,” was all she said.

Another whispered: “Bear the blow,

It must be wisely ordered so.”

Still came a third whose thought was this:

“Be worthy of the one you miss.

Hold fast, although your heart may break,

And hide your grief for his dear sake!”

Then came a woman old who said.
“I wept for mine when he lay dead.

Let fall your tears, its right you should,

Come cry with me, ‘twill do you good.”

Of all who came with comfort nigh,

I liked her best who let me cry.

Author unknown

Tribute to David on his Anniversary

David: You will always be a part of us and with us despite the passage of time. We remember you daily and thank you for being you. We thank you for enriching our lives and putting meaning into them. We thank you for allowing us to live at a higher level of existence. We thank you for making us realize that life is gift and a treasure. Someday we will be inseparably reunited with you. Love, mom, dad and Mel

When a Young Person Dies

There something very sad when a young person dies. The loss is both for the one who dies and to those left behind especially the parents. The child who dies never gets to complete his life on this earth. He misses out on the many joys and sorrows that life offers, yet this it the fate of all mankind. In a way no matter how long one lives, the end is death. So maybe it does not matter in the long term. The parents on the other hand are devastated. They have to go on with the pain of the loss.

 In my case, I am changed forever. I will never be the same. I have become too emotional and I cry at the smallest thing. David is complete. He is safe and happy. I am fragmented and totally lost. Nothing seems to fill the void. The emptiness that I feel is awful. I am in despair. I anguish over everything.

 Life dealt me a big blow. In a million years I never imagined that I would bury my own flesh and blood. Oh how I yearn for him. I try to fill my soul and my mind with images and words of David. I go over every detail of our lives together. I cherish these memories. I go over pictures again and again in unbelief. I touch the pictures as if I am touching him. I touch his plants. I touch the walls that he painted and then I wail in despair.  I keep saying “How could this be”? My heart skips a beat. It is so unreal. The spark of life is extinguished as I just go through the everyday routines. It is a continual cycle of memories and tears.

Death Is Swallowed Up In Victory

This poem was written by my brother Dr. Salim K. Haddad

 

 

DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP IN VICTORY

Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil

 

A short period, soon after the birth of time

The first man stood upon the earth sublime

The pinnacle of all created life

With a free will to choose to fall or climb.

 

The tempter came in a serpent’s guise

With a vain promise of a precious prize,

The prize of knowledge of all good and ill

Whereby man would become knowing and wise.

 

The hissing serpent drew closer to Eve,

Armed with evil lies to make her believe

That they could become as wise as their God:

Such was his subtle method to deceive.

 

He slandered God and said that He was mean

And that his command was truly obscene,

His threats were empty and would never stand

When wisdom was waiting for them to glean.

 

He said, it is not true that you will die

As Death waited tensely for her reply

And when he saw that she ate of the fruit

He was excited she fell to a lie.

 

Now Death would not ever forget that day

When his vaunted desire would have its sway

Upon mankind and every type of life

For now he would butcher, destroy and slay.

 

Death entered the world through the gate of sin,

All creatures were affected and hemmed in,

It was God’s judgment upon faithless man

Where no one could ever escape or win.

 

And thus Death reigned supreme with utmost glee

While billions of men attempted to flee

From its horrid hand, asking agent Fear

If respite be had, but Fear heard no plea.

 

Death in turn feared when Elijah restored

Life to the widow’s son whom she adored

Until he flexed his muscles and attacked

The life restored: it was life he abhorred.

 

The young maid and the widow’s son at Nain

And Lazarus all came to life again

When Jesus spoke a word and said, arise,

Come forth, but they died when their health did wane.

 

When Jesus surrendered to death a while

Death jumped for joy for his malice and guile,

But he and Satan trembled with great fear

When Jesus rose and they fell down servile.

 

The Lord was the first to rise from the dead

And to die no more, the saints’ living head

And when He comes again, they too will rise

From death’s corruption to true life instead.

 

Death has his sport and will punch all his blows

Until the time arrives when no one knows

When he, with Hell and Satan, will be cast

Into the lake of fire of utmost woes.

Quote from an E-mail

The article that the person is referring to is in the book Topics in Grief

The story that touched my heart and made me cry and I understand how my daughter feels because of this story, its my daughter and so many others like her who have lost a child. it was titled . 'HOW DO YOU DO IT?

The individual who sent me the e-mail wrote the paragraph below.

 

Thank you for your articles which continue to be a source of comfort and encouragement for so many.  Obviously it's a very needed topic to address--how we can embrace our emotions as neither good nor bad, but for what they are--an authentic emotional reaction to a terrible loss--without denying our faith or letting others deny our faith.  This last grandma who wrote today had been trying to get her daughter to email someone, or write someone--but I think now she understands more how her daughter feels (her 10 year old son suddenly fell ill and died within a couple days, they don't know a cause) and can be a better support to her without trying to find a "quick fix."

Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago in August 2003, my precious son died. I never thought that I could survive without him. I can’t believe that I am still alive here on the earth. My heart is broken and time could not soothe the tears or dry them. Being gone I have a more lively sense of his presence even though he is absent in the body. His spirit surrounds me and his love guides me. David did not leave himself without leaving his mark on almost everything. The marks of his fingers are on the pottery pieces that he made as a child, and on all the items that he fixed, as well as the walls that he painted. The marks of his footsteps are in all the places that he visited. The mark of his smile is what cheers my heart. Amidst such a multitude of remembrances, there is no way that I could ever forget him, not even for a single moment. Instead of living without David in the world, I can always be with him and see all things connected to him.

When I look at the sky, my heart reveals my son to me and my sorrow is awakened within me. Sorrow blossoms here on earth and will always be with me. I continue to cling to my son in spirit as if he is still in sight. Then I say to myself: “it is going to be only a little while before I will see him again”. I weep that one so lovely should have had such a brief life here on earth.

Looking at the sky I see it pointing to the heavens where my son dwells. I gaze, I ponder, I gaze, I ponder and I think. I admire, again and again. I repeat my ravished look and am never satiated by my curiosity about what is beyond the sky. My thoughts wonder about the unknown and I realize that no matter what, I cannot fathom the amazing wonders of the sky and all its glory. The sun, the moon, the stars, the planets, the clouds, and the rainbow will always stir deep emotions within me and I try to search for understanding.

In Isaiah 60: 20 we read: “Thy sun shall no more go down, neither shall thy moon withdraw itself; for the Lord shall be thine everlasting light, and the days of thy mourning shall be ended. This verse is referring to heaven.  It is only when I am inseparably united with my son that the days of my mourning shall end. This is where there will be no want, no deficiency in any one. We will enjoy all the good and be adorned with all the glory. We will not envy, and we will not be selfish. Everlasting friendship prevails. No one can eclipse another, but all will shine brighter than the sun.

I realize that beyond death there is a heaven where beauty becomes immortal and where love never dies. In this place there is grandeur beyond expression. This place is always bright. It is the house of rest. In this far-away dwelling, wherever it is, I know that my son’s loveliness will never be changed.

David’s soul is in heaven. The soul surpasses in worth more than the eye can see and whatever material things we can imagine. I therefore often spurn the earthly things and pant after unseen delights.