As Time Rolls By...

As time rolls by my yearning soul is devastated by longing for a voice, a touch, a smile, a whisper from my precious son. I am just tired of this life that lost a lot of its meaning. I can’t believe as to how altered I have become. I am beyond consolation. I am beyond repair. I am crying out for help, but no one is listening. People think that I am getting better, but I feel that I am getting worse. The spark is gone from my eyes, my face and my heart. To have to endure this torture on a daily basis has sapped my energy. My beloved son is gone and my tears have been shed and my soul is dead and I dread going on any longer. How unfair it all is. I do not care if people tell me that this is life. I do not care if others have died and that should console me. It does not. I am tired of keeping busy just to keep busy in order not to go crazy. Nothing seems to satisfy. I envy those who do not have this burden. I wish that I could go back to what was. I wish that I could recover from this pain and sorrow. I wish that there is some magic trick that could restore me back to what I used to be like. I wish that there is some hope of a better life here on earth. The hope that I have is futuristic and will be realized when I too shall leave this world and be reunited with my son.

Some Thoughts

During the day I continue to dwell on David in between what I am doing. The sorrow continues and the despair is real. I often think that David was released and freed from this evil world. Maybe death was therefore not a threat to him, but rather a welcome thing. I must be crazy thinking that way. I realize that everything on this earth is temporary. To everything there is a beginning and an end.

I must be willing to accept pain and death as part of life and just go on. This pain might give me the strength to endure. I am thinking that the love that I have for David is that power that will keep him among the living. Just as Jesus lives in our hearts, so can David live in my heart and the hearts of those who knew him and love him.

My Writing Reminds Someone of Elizabeth Dent

Your loss is what speaks through your writing, straight into the hearts of the brokenhearted and wounded.  It reminds me of Elizabeth Dent, who has written many wonderful poems.  She had never written poetry before Michael was stillborn, and she no longer writes (that was many years ago).  I think it was God's compassion poured through her, and now through you.

Sorrow Walks Beside Me

The article "Sorrow Walks Beside Me" is in my book "Topics in Grief. This note was sent to me by a woman who lost her son.

I just LOVE your article about sorrow walks beside me. I like to write but I am not a good writer. However, I do write a lot to release my pain. I did write some time ago " pain is my shadow" and I felt like you are so similar to me on how we grieve our children. People grieve in many many different ways. I guess mothers are alike in many loving ways. 

Quote About my Grief Topics

"When I read your articles, I feel I am normal. I do not feel that with the rest of the world as I am not a part of this world any more." By a mother who lost a son

E-mail Regarding Topics in Grief

I am reading your book. I read a little bit before bed, hoping that the memories will give me dreams of (name of her son).  When he died, I bought and read every book I could find on parents losing their child.  Some helped a little, some didn't.  I was looking for your book, but alas, it hadn't been published yet! Please know I will get your book for any unfortunate friend or family member who loses a child. (I hope I don't have to purchase another one :( because I wouldn't want our pain on any one). But as I have told you before, you write what I feel.   Reading through it, brings back the memories and pain of those early days.  I love the dream you had of David, telling you he was present but hidden.  I too had (name of her son) come to me in a dream, right before I woke up.  He told me, Mom, I'm happy.  I remember touching his face, feeling stubble.  I believe God gives these experiences to moms whose hearts are broken, helping us on our grief journey. We hold onto them, until we get to hold our kids again.  I was especially happy, last night to see the pictures of you and David in the back of the book. He is a beautiful boy, just as my (name of her son) was and I can't wait to meet him some day.  I will write more as I go through it. love, (name of mother).

PS, last night I was struck by the commonality of the comments you received, as I did.  After 6 months, someone told me I needed to get over it!! The most pain, though was caused by my sister telling me how much she missed her son (who was away at college) I cried for hours.

C.S. Lewis Quote

I read from C.S.Lewis “Don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand”. He wrote this after his wife died.

Many people believe that religion and faith can take the pain away and can comfort those who are grieving. I believe that in time God and God alone can bring comfort to the hurting soul, but not immediately after the loss.

I continue to hurt on a daily basis. Last night while eating, tears began to flow unexpectedly. When I saw the sunset, I lost it again. David continues to consume me with his memories. I go to bed thinking about him. I wake up doing the same thing. I walk around watching the people who are oblivious to my pain and feelings. I want the whole world to know that I lost my son. Yet I have to live a facade. I have to pretend that all is fine.

I am tired of people who tell me that “Life goes on”. It is no longer the same life. Don’t they know that everything has changed? I am not me. I do not know who I am or what I am. All is a mystery now. I feel so lonely amidst the crowds. I am consumed in my own grief and sorrow. The reality of the loss is unbearable. I wonder if my heart will ever heal.    

The one thing that I want in life is the one thing that I cannot have. He is gone forever, his laughter, his hugs, his voice and all that had meaning to my life is gone. Many times I realize that I cannot get rid of the pain, but have to go through it. Grief continues to feel like fear and anxiety and suspense at times. I often feel my heart skipping a beat. I just sit at times to recover from the pain. There seems to be more time than before. Time seems longer. I want time to pass faster. As time passes, I have noticed that David is with me everywhere I go. I sense his presence at all times. I just miss the tangible part so much and want to hear him and feel him.