Diary Notes 10 Months After the Loss

 I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on. I want to die because of David and yet I want to live because of my husband, daughter and grandson. I am so confused and tormented. I did laundry and spoke to a woman about David. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbreakable and the tears do not dry. I read a bit but could not sleep. After supper I saw a movie and heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can't be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people said to me in an effort to make sense out of David’s death. None of it made sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. Yet how can I accept this. It is unacceptable. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.

A New Skyline 9/11

After 9/11 the twin towers disappeared. They just simply vanished and so did the hopes and dreams of thousands if not millions of people. There was a new skyline in New York. In lieu of the towers every year beams of light are erected on that special night in the form of the towers to replace what was lost. These lights will never replace the real thing. They are not the same. They will never be the same. However they are a reminder and a symbol of what can never be replaced. Unlike the real towers these beams of light can only be seen in the dark. Since I live in the area near where the towers existed, I can see the lights every year. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering due to the evil that was inflicted upon them.

When my son’s candle burned out, I was left in the thickest darkness grouping for the unknown. These times of darkness are full of complexity and confusion. At times there seems to be no light in the path. Then I realize that God is guiding me in the dark. It is these dark days that have allowed me to see more clearly than before. I am realizing that in the light our eyes are unable to discern as effectively as in the dark. I can see what others do not see. Most of what I learned came in the darkest hours of my life. I am learning to trust God in the dark.

At The Compassionate Friends meetings I hear the term “the new normal”. I actually do not like the phrase, but it is used a lot today by so many people. There is no such thing as normal when you lose your child. It does not matter if it is old normal or new normal. The child that came from your own loins, rested on your bosom and was your delight vanished like the towers did. It is abnormal, absurd, backwards and reversed when you bury your child. Children should bury their parents and not the other way around. Since I cannot return to the kind of world that existed before David died nothing can be normal again. However I must rise above what happened. I need to do what I once thought was impossible. I must rebuild my world with a new skyline.

What is this new skyline? I am not really sure. However, I believe that it is different for each one of us. I always had zest for life. Since David died I lost this ability to enjoy living and began to simply exist. As I grieve I realize that no amount of grieving is going to bring my son back to me. How do I then begin to live intensely as opposed to simply existing? To live I need to have a new skyline that makes me realize that life is beautiful. I need to cherish each moment as life is a gift. I must put sense, worth and hope into life, without which life is meaningless. It is a skyline that I only can see as I look into my heart and soul. I can picture it in my mind and can become the person that God wants me to be. I can become a part of nature and all that my eyes can behold. I can lift my head high and aspire for what is beautiful and true. I can live with the fact that my love for David is deathless. 

What is your purpose in life?

I took life for granted until David died. It is then that I realized my purpose in life.

When I told the therapist after David died that I no longer have purpose, he told me that it was alright not to have a purpose. However, I knew that it is not alright. I began to drift. I did not know who I was. I did not know what to do with the rest of my life. My life was in a great crisis. I asked many big questions such as what is the meaning of life. What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life? However, there were no answers to these questions.

I did not want to get up in the morning. I did not want to do anything. I just sat on the couch for hours reflecting over the loss, crying and wondering if I can survive. I was totally devastated and in deep despair. I wanted to die. I wanted for my life to be over. I could not go on as before.

As a professor, I disconnected from my colleagues. I only did the minimal. I taught in between tears and screams and went home doing the same thing. Crying in the car became routine. Students tried to console me, but nothing seemed to work.

I realized one day that I could not continue like this. I could not take life for granted. I realized that life is a gift from God. I realized that every moment counts. I started letting go of trivial concerns and decided to set myself free. I discovered myself. I know who I am and not what people want me to be. It took me 9 years before I was able to reconnect again. I still have days when I have a difficult time surviving.

I realized that part of my existence depended on caring for my son. Now that he was gone, I began to feel useless and helpless. At the same time my lovely daughter gave me a grandson. I embraced him. I decided to pour all my love into him. He gave me the courage to love again. He became a big part of my life. I could teach him about his uncle. I could impact his life for the good. I could make him see the beauty of nature and appreciate beautiful things. I could teach him that money cannot buy happiness.

Students see me now as a most compassionate teacher who cares about them like no other. One student told me that among all the teachers that she had throughout her life, she finds me to be the best and nicest teacher that she ever had. I told her that I was educated by sorrow. I considered myself as a good teacher before, but now I realize that I am better than I have ever been. I see my students differently. I realize the potential in each one of them. I teach them to be creative and to live in the present rather than in the future. I teach them to grasp the day and to be the best that they can be.

I always enjoyed nature, but now I am more connected to it. I began to see beauties that I did not see before. The sky became very precious to me. I gaze at it daily as my heart reaches towards my son. It is never the same from moment to moment and day after day. I often am awake in the morning and see the dawn coming up. In the evening I watch the sunset. During the days I envision images in the clouds and at night I see starry skies and the moon in all its glory.

Nature not only connects me to my son, but it connects me to God. Although God was a big part of my life before David died, now He is my only consolation. I talk to Him and pour my heart out to Him. I tell Him that I love Him even though my son is gone. I cry to Him and ask Him to soothe my pain and sorrow. I cling to Him in love.

I decided to move away from people who upset me and did not understand me and I made new friends. I decided that I did not want to live a façade but wanted people to know who I am and what I stand for. I became bold in expressing how I feel and how I think.

I became committed to writing in an attempt to help others. My writings are personal and honest. They reflect my devastation, my loss, my pain and my great love towards my son.

I spend a great deal of time alone. I reflect over the past. I continue to put meaning into my life. I no longer live in the future. I take every day seriously and thank God for granting me the day. Nothing is taken for granted any longer. I cherish my family and my friends. Now I follow my heart as it guides me along the way. I do not waste my time as I realize that every moment is precious.

My self-worth evaporated when I lost David, but I am claiming it back. I realize that I live at a higher level of existence and that I am connected to my soul. I discovered my soul and I commune with it.

My therapist was wrong when he told me that it was alright not to have a purpose, but maybe at the time he was right. He wanted to let me know that I need to heal before I can claim my purpose in life again. Without purpose we drift. Purpose is powerful and necessary. It guides us and allows us to shape our lives and gives meaning and passion to everything that we do.

Grief Happens

Grief happens. You do not plan to cry or not to cry. The soul gets overwhelmed and then the tears flow like rivers of water. There is no expectation, only subtle vibes that fill the soul with memories and lead to crying. The pain is associated with the tears and the longing and missing are beyond description. The loss is massive and most people lose compassion as time rolls by. Time does not change what happened and the loss is permanent. Please do not minimize the loss because the loss occurred years ago. In fact when you do that you generate a secondary loss as bereaved parents are intimidated and do not feel free and open to mention their departed loved ones names as if they never existed. 

Cape Cod Gardens

The flowers on Cape Cod are outstanding. I plant them as part of David's Garden.

What is important in life?

Many young people are being told that they must get educated, and work hard in order to make a lot of money. Very few are being told about what really matters in life.

Society does distinguish between rich and poor. People do like to associate with the rich and famous. They like to be photographed with them thinking that would make them better than others. Many join country clubs, golf clubs, and spas and try to hang out with people who make small talk and have little depth to them, but who are famous or rich. Many feel important because they are lawyers or doctors or work in the stock market. Many do not realize that fame is fleeting and that at any moment everything could be taken away from them.

So many parents push their children to play sports. They want their children to win and to become major sports figures whether it is baseball, football, tennis, ice hockey or whatever. These children are being overextended to the point where they do not get to enjoy their childhood.

Very few parents have time for their children. They work all day and hire a nanny to raise them. The money that they make goes to the nanny, the landscaper, the house cleaning crew, the mortgage and so on. They do not have time to take their children for walks, talk to them or see them grow up. They miss so much of their childhood and yet they think that they are being good parents because they have a big house and can pay their bills. On weekends the parents try to make up for their absence during the week. They shower their children with material goods because they feel guilty that they abandon them during the week, and the cycle goes on.

What matters is who you are as a person. What is it that makes you unique? What is it that makes you so loving and caring? What can you do to contribute to society? Do you lift up people and make them feel good?  Are you kind to others? Do you give of yourself to help others? It isn’t always about money. It is what you do. It is what you say. It is how you live.

After losing David, I realized that he knew what life was all about. He did not care much about material things. He did not care about collecting anything such as stamps, coins, antiques, toy cars and the like. He loved nature and took care of a few house plants. He was available to help everyone. He was a true friend to so many. He gave of himself and whenever he could, he also gave of what he had. He always was generous with his tips or birthday presents. He was a man of character. Character is what counts in life. This is what is important. This is what impacts lives and leaves a legacy that cannot be forgotten.

 Let us therefore invest in things that remain forever. Let us invest in people and in lives that could be inspired by how we live and how we give of ourselves to others. Let us be a role model to younger generations inspiring them to follow in our footsteps so that our legacy can continue and our society can thrive.

Thoughts While on a Cruise

This was written in January 2014 while on a cruise.

Now that we are at the end of our lives, I plan to live to the fullest taking advantage of each moment as time is fleeting. I do not plan to waste my life on myself but on helping others and doing what is best for most. I will continue to write about David and to promote his beautiful person and character. It is a goal of mine never to give up as many want me to especially since it has been 10 years. How can I forget my son? Time does not take away what is forever mine. He is a part of me. Our souls are connected.

As I look at the sky from the ship I feel him. He is in the clouds and the sunrise. He is in the sunset and beyond the horizon. He is everywhere I am as he is a part of my being. I long for a tangible and visible image of himself which I will forever hope for knowing full well that it will never be here on this earth.

Why did life deprive me of a beautiful treasure? Why did I have to lose him? Why? Why? Why? Should I accept what happened? I have tried but it is unacceptable. Losing my son is abnormal. It is the reversal of nature. It is absurd. It is wrong. The young should precede the old. The young is the future. The young is hope. The young is life.

 I keep reflecting over the same thoughts and the same ideas with no answers and no change. This loss is permanent. Nothing on earth can restore it. I often think of David and his beauty and he is always associated with tears. Why can’t I think of joy at the same time? I say to myself that I am happy at times but I am never whole. I actually do not live in fear and worry about much. Every day is a new adventure and beginning. I live in the realm of the unknown anticipating new delights that I have never experienced before. My son has enriched my life in a way beyond words. He has added meaning to everything that I do and say. I often look at people and wonder what they feel or what they are thinking or whether their lives have meaning especially while cruising.