"Neverness"

 This was written in my diary 5 months after David died 

 It is a warm day in comparison to other days. The day was quiet. After teaching I broke down on my way home and cried a lot. I continue to see no value in living at this time. I am bored with life. I have no goals or purpose. I think of David continuously and do not want to accept the loss even though it is real. The "neverness" of the situation angers me. I will never see him again on this earth. I will never hug him. I will never laugh with him, talk to him and expect him to talk back to me. Never is a tough thing to accept. I went upstairs and looked for family pictures. I saw how happy our family was. In a way we were an ideal family.  I cried my heart out and went to sleep.

David's Birthday

Today is David’s birthday. He would have been 43. After reflecting over his life, this is what David’s message would be to all of you: “Every bit of life is so thrilling and important”. I therefore recommend that you live each day to the utmost as life is a gift.

The Coffin

David died in August 2003. This was written in my diary on January 30, 2004.

It is dark and very cold outside. I could not sleep any longer. I woke up with a subdued spirit and sadness. I often think of David lying in his coffin with the total powerlessness of the head laid motionless, the rigidity of the repose, the quietness and gloom of the coffin, indicating how lonely this must be. My heart skips a beat at the thought. I look up at the sky in search of him. Its appeal to me reminds me of what is immortal in us. It speaks to me more and more now than ever before. I see the bright glow as it gleams through the clouds reminding me of God’s glory and David being there and enjoying the goodness of the Lord. Today I cried loudly for David. My eyelids curl over and hurt. I am in more pain now than before.

Peace be still

David died is August 2003 and I wrote this in my diary on January 31, 2004.

It is the last day of the first month. It is very cold and still dark. I woke up sad as usual. My thoughts always go towards David. “Peace be still” is what I read this morning. Yet my soul rages. The moments of peace are very few and far between. I need to be calmed and quieted within. I am in the path of pain and am burdened with sorrow. I need to be released from my grief. I need to let go, but somehow I cannot. How can a mother forget her dear son? The loneliness continues to grip me. I feel like busting. 

Thoughts of Anguish

I wrote this in December of 2005. David died in August of 2003.

I do not understand why this had to happen to me. I try to rationalize and spiritualize and then I get hit with another wave of despair. It is really very difficult to survive with this massive loss. I have no choice but to go on. Sometimes I believe and sometimes I do not believe. It is at those times that I feel despair and want to die. Every day I repeat the same thing and I go on day after day with the same sorrow and despair. This is not living. It is so painful.

I wake up every morning realizing that I lost the most out of life. Despite all that I have, it seems that it does not balance out the loss. Even if I try to look at things in a positive way that does not change the harsh reality of the awesome loss. Why do I have to suffer thus? I am so lonely. I am so empty. I keep busy with stupid mundane stuff that has no meaning to me. What is the big deal? Why do we put so much energy into building a future? What is the future? I do not know any more. I guess I am pessimistic as my therapist once told me. He did not know how to deal with my loss as he never lost a child. I was so innocent. I was told that I needed therapy. I actually thought that by talking to a therapist my sorrow would vanish. It does not work that way. Therapy does not work.

 I also think of how easily Christians quote the wrong verses that do not console. I remember when a distant relative heard that I lost David she quickly blurted “The lord gave and the Lord taketh away”.  Here is a woman who did not lose a son who thinks that by quoting the Bible I am supposed to magically be healed or consoled. All I am looking for is for someone to hug me and to tell me “I can’t imagine what you are going through”, or “I am here for you if you need to talk”.

I am really lost in many ways. I do not belong any more anywhere. My world is empty without David. I have to relearn to live without him and I do not want to do that. I just go on day by day waiting for my life to end. I am really disappointed in life and desperate for a miracle that would change me so that I can find some sort of peace and hope.

Being Thankful

I can be thankful for what I have. I can be thankful even though my heart is broken. I can be thankful that what I once thought was significant has become insignificant and the simple has become more significant. I can be thankful that I have learned to live in the moment. David set me free. Most of all I am thankful for David even though I am furious that I lost him. I believe that we can be thankful and at the same time we can be sad, unhappy, upset and dissatisfied due to the constant knowledge that someone so precious has left us and has left a vacuum that no one else can fill.