Nothing Works

The pain is still as deep and the hurt is awful. My yearning for David reaches a point of despair many times. I see him as more beautiful every day. He seems to become more and more lovely with time. His beautiful character makes me miss him even more.  I get angry at times and miss the love so much. I rationalize and nothing works.

New Awareness

I am so aware of things now that before David’s death I was not aware of them. The different clouds and hues in the sky allow me to gaze upwards for a long period longing to reach David and to touch him there. Yet, I cannot touch him. He on the other hand has touched my life and has changed it forever. I am at a stage now in my life where occasionally I do not feel the pain continuously and have a few moments of relief. At these times, I feel even guiltier and tell David that I am sorry and that I have to try to go on. I tell him that he will always be a part of me. I continue to struggle daily. I continue to function, but the zest and the spark of life is gone. The glow and the shine have become dull, but the pain lingers on.

I was transformed by the loss of my son

I was transformed by the loss of my son. Yet the transformation is for the better. I buried the person that I used to be and I have emerged as a new person with nobler qualities than I ever had before. My thought processes have changed. I am not afraid if people misunderstand me. I do not waste time thinking about what people might say. I desire what is beautiful. I look forward to the future with more self-confidence and more faith. I am not limited by the boundaries of time. I do not hide my sorrow and pain any longer. I realize that what my heart yearns for I cannot have or touch. I therefore hold all earthly things lightly and press on towards eternity.