Advice for the newly bereaved

I know the pain is unbearable. Cry all you can, write all you can, keep busy all you can, think of the times you loved each other all you can. My son's purpose is unknown to me. His death was accidental. From my experience women are extremely strong and the pain you are experiencing this month will not kill you, just exhaust you. Take good care of yourself, pamper yourself in every way. Don't let the pain wear you down so much that you become ill.  Your family needs you. If anything, the love you bear for your child will just make your capacity for love even greater. 

 

I pretend

I pretend that I am fine when I am with people and then when I am alone I scream and yell and cry and wail. It seems that there is no consolation in this type of loss.My life will forever hurt as I miss my loving son. People think that as time goes by I should feel better as if my son is coming back. It is going to be 13 years for me this August and I miss David more and more and the loneliness is so severe even when I am with many people. My voice changed and even the look on my face has changed. At times I cannot bear it. I despair even though I am told that I should not despair. My pain does not change anything and sometimes I think that it is so stupid to grieve and yet I cannot help myself. Everyday the tension builds up and then the tears flow. There are so many reminders that bring pain and sorrow. I hate it when people tell me that I am strong. After all they do not know what to say. I have been educated by sorrow and loss. I am always thinking of others with a similar loss.

My Heart is broken and pierced on Valentine's Day

I would like to share my heart with you. I found this heart on Cape Cod. It is broken and pierced. It is smooth due to the waves that bombarded it for years. My heart resembles this one. My heart will forever be broken and pierced due to the loss of my lovely son David. My heart has softened with time like the rough stone. It has become smooth due to the storms and waves that have hit me relentlessly. It is softened by pain and sorrow. It is softened by tears.

Sufferings are God's Winds and Hurricanes

I wrote this a few months after losing my son David.
I read that sufferings are God’s winds and hurricanes. They take human life and lift it to a higher level. When the storm breaks, the atmosphere is filled with new life and a part of heaven is brought down to earth. I however feel that I am still amidst the storm. I do not know how long it is going to take for the storm to clear and give me new life and hope. I am in the pit now and in the dumps and I can’t seem to be able to climb out of it. I taught and cried on the way home. I see the futility of everything. There is no glow to my life anymore.

Should you see a therapist after losing your child?

When I lost my son David I was so sad. Many told me that I must see a therapist in order to feel better. They told me that I was depressed. I told them that I was not depressed but that I was in deep sorrow and pain. After nagging me so much I began to believe them. So I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist and went to see him for about a year once a week. Initially I thought that he was going to cure me. I thought that there was a solution that would release me from the pain. I thought that he had the answers that would make me feel better.

Every time that I went to see him, he would ask me: "How are you feeling today?" I would go over my pain and sorrow and unbelief over and over again and he would listen. After each session I would feel a bit better, but the feeling did not last as the pain returned again and again. So one day I decided to express how I feel and I wrote the following:

"I feel the anger and the rage that I am almost experiencing on a daily basis which seems to sap all my energy. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. My heart is bruised and is bleeding. My soul is raging within. I feel a thick black veil covering my bleeding heart. I feel crushed and trodden over. I feel empty, lost and in a vacuum in this world. I do not know who I am at times. I feel displaced and that I do not belong here on the earth. I feel the sorrow dragging its way through days and returns with the same routine of hopeless agony. I feel sadness and heaviness of soul. I feel the sorrow the minute I wake up. This sorrow is beyond consolation. I feel the darkness of despair and deep loneliness. I feel so alone in my sorrow and desperate in my pain. I feel abandoned, without strength or responsibility. I could be among a million people and still feel lonely. This emptiness that I feel is awful. I feel like yelling “NO”. I feel less than nothing at times. I feel humbled by death. I feel that I am brought to a place of despair, of nothingness. I miss the special love that David gave me and the unconditional approval that I felt with him. I never felt less than I am with him, but always more than I was. He made me feel special. I feel the brutal pain that grips my soul like a claw and does not let go. I feel like dying at times. I feel like crying on a daily basis and the tears flow continuously. My eyes hurt and are often swollen. I feel sorry for myself. I feel fatigued even before the day has begun. I feel anxious, sick and weak. My guts experience butterfly feelings and I shake at times. My muscles feel like rubber. Sometimes I can hardly breathe."

After I realized that there is no cure to my pain and sorrow, I decided to quit seeing the therapist. I realized that talking to anyone who would listen is very helpful in easing some of the pain. So why pay for therapy when you can get the same effect by talking to someone else who would listen? 

 

I do not know how to explain life

I started writing after David died. Now I am going over what I have written and would like to share with you my experiences as some of you maybe going through this terrible journey of loss and despair.

I am not sure of anything any more regarding life. I do not know how to explain it. I feel such a void and an empty feeling. The glow is gone. The beauty is gone. I saw a beautiful sunrise today and of course I talked to David. I am not sure what to think. Sometimes I say that he is better off with the Lord and he is resting and enjoying God. At other times I say “my baby is gone” and I could not protect him. I feel such awesome sadness that cannot be described. The emotional pain is becoming somehow more intense. 

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