I am tired

I am tired of trying to find reasons why my son died. I am tired of trying to figure out what to do next. I am tired of trying to keep extra busy in order to survive. I am tired of life. I am tired of everything. There is no thrill to anything. I am tired of being so lonely. I am tired of feeling all alone. I am tired of crying. I am tired of pain. I am tired of people telling me that David is in a better place. I am tired of being told that I am strong.  I need help. Sometimes I get periods of being OK, but these are so short. When I talk to people I feel OK at times and then I am alone again. I just cherish all of David. I cherish everything that he stood for. I cherish his beautiful soul. 

My Secret to survive

Early on in my grief the pain was so severe and the sorrow was relentless. To continue hurting did not make sense. I wanted to ease the pain. This is what I said to myself:  I can tuck David in my heart and talk to him as if he is with me. I can tell him all my secrets and no one else will know about them. We can still be together as long as I am alive. I will continue to talk about him to others and will keep him alive. I will let others know him through me. Try it, it helps.

When David died

Sometimes for some reason I felt that David was still alive and I could not separate from him. I continued to struggle with all kinds of ideas and feelings about this massive loss. I continued to bleed internally as if the blood will not stop flowing. I was so emotional most of the time. It was so hard to not have David with us. I went through fits of rage and despair. I sometimes did not know how I could go on and how I survived so far. All the fixes that I had were temporary. They did not do the trick. I often called people in order to get over the despair. Yet the cycle of despair continued to go on and on.

Now as time rolls by, I continue to experience sorrow and despair at times. I continue to cry over him. It is a daily ritual. However, I admit that intervals of pain are much shorter and less frequent. I learned to live again rather than just exist. I learned to appreciate every breath that I take. I learned to see beauty in everything. I learned to care for others. But most of all I realized that my love for David will never die.

Does Time heal?

Terence, the Roman poet, said: “Time is the great healer, a sure assuager of human sorrow.” Many people seem to agree with him as they have told me after David died that time will heal. It has been thirteen years now and I decided to write about what time does. Can time really heal the deep gash that a parent gets when the parent loses a child?

Some of my hopes and dreams are dead and buried from my sight forever. These cannot be changed by time. My son will never marry and bear children. My son will never call me again. My son will never visit me again. My son vanished and time cannot bring him back.

The feeling of sorrow cannot be healed by time. Time seems to dull what I feel but it does not change what I feel. It has allowed me to get used to the new life without my son but has not allowed me to be consoled that he is gone. The days go on and my emptiness continues without my son. Time has not taken away my tears and my pain. Time has not removed my longing for my son or has taken away my loneliness. What time did was increase the intervals between episodes of pain and tears. I still feel the same intensity of pain. The tears still flow and in fact my eyes leak continuously with tears at any reminder of my son. Although these reminders continue to touch my heart with pain, I want to remember them over and over again as memories of him make my life worth living. However, the frequency of what I call “fits of despair” have decreased for which I am thankful. What has increased instead is the longing and the missing. 

Why do I continue to be sad?

It is because my very soul refuses to give up David. He is a part of me and yet he is absent physically. I think of him on a daily basis and my soul rages over not being able to hold him, hug him or touch him. I think of the way things used to be and I cling to those memories. I look at his pictures and my heart melts. The void is real. The loneliness is real. The despair is real. The love is real. Yet I manage to go on daily as if nothing has changed.
 https://topicsingrief.blogspot.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Topics-Grief-woman-who-lost/dp/1480224898/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1461776190&sr=8-1&keywords=topics+in+grief

Why do I garden?

When David died I went crazy and cried without stopping. I wailed and yelled and would not be consoled. Everything was dark and there was no hope to go on. When I was in deep despair I would go out for a walk or try to garden. I designed a new garden and named it “David’s Garden”.  I would dig in the dirt and just get lost in the beauty of nature. Gardening connected me to God and to my son. Flowers dissipated the gloom within my soul and brought sudden joy through my downcast spirit. They put on a glow of many colors, all dressed in beauty and wonder. The air was all perfume from their scent. People walk by and admire the garden and I get to talk to them about my son.