The Hawk

When David died my husband began to associate the sighting of a hawk as a sign for seeing David. He would sit on the deck and look at the sky and say: “Talk to me David, talk to me”. Often a hawk would come by, do a fly by and then leave, and he would feel consoled as if David gave him a sign that he was safe. I then began to associate the hawk with David as well. Many times whenever I think of him, I see a hawk either flying or perched on a tree. 

Many times the hawk appears when I am making a major decision as if David is reassuring me that I made the right call. The other day I went to see a friend of mine whom I have not seen for a long time. The minute I arrived as her house a big hawk came flying by and perched on a light post. This is what I captured. He stayed there for a long time and then he took off.

The hawk has become our sign for David. We look and search for hawks whenever we drive and wherever we are. We gaze at the hawk until he disappears. Often the hawk flies close by and circles around for a long time and I just gaze and gaze in awe at the beauty of such a creature and long for my son as I look upwards towards

the sky. 

Wishes

Why is it that I cannot describe what I am feeling? Now that the weather is getting beautiful and spring time is arriving I seem to be more emotional and more sad. I am really surprised that the pain has not subsided but seems to reemerge at a constant frequency. I cannot fathom the absence and the loss of David. I still cannot believe that he really died. I hate everything. I do not want to go on at times. I still scream and wail quite a bit. I go through periods of despair. I often want to give up on everything and then I reconnect and get busy doing this and that in order to get distracted from the void and the loss. I seem to have difficulty agreeing with anyone as to how I should feel or what to do and how to live.

 I wish that I was not one of those unlucky mothers who had to bury her lovely son. I wish that my life was more docile and quiet. I wish that my soul was less restless. I wish that I could be me again. I wish that I could see a reason for losing David. I wish that my life was not so bitter. I wish that my heart would heal. I wish that my soul would be filled with joy again.  I wish that my world was not altered so drastically. I wish that I could talk to David and hear his voice. I wish that we would hug again. I wish that we could sit on the deck together and converse as before. I wish that I could see him driving on the streets as before. I wish that he would make me a pizza as he used to.  I wish that I could die at times and yet I want to live at other times. I wish that I could wish the pain away. I wish that I could have something that would cure me from my sad feelings and would restore me to what I used to be before losing David.

 Nothing is going to fulfill any of these wishes. I will go on wishing my life away. Then I think that it is so stupid to grieve. It is not going to change anything. Yet, I cannot help myself. My whole being is revolting. I would be so much better off if I just accept what happened and go on with my life. Yet what happened is unacceptable to me. I thought that children buried their parents and not the other way around. This is backwards. It is against nature. My daughter Melanie always says to me “mom, it is what it is”. She is right, but I wish that “it isn’t what it is”. 

Guilt

Guilt robs us of our happiness. It reminds us that we did not do the right thing. Guilt feelings remind us of the past and what happened that should not have happened. I feel guilty that I outlived my son. I feel guilty when I cook his favorite food. I feel guilty when I laugh.

I do not have guilt feelings about my role as his mother. I loved David unconditionally. I gave him my time, and my full attention. He knew that he was loved. He knew that he was safe with us. He knew that he was very important to us. He too loved us.

Devastating loss

Seven months since David left us I wrote this: I woke up in tears and I am in tears now. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. There is calm outside after the snow storm and yet my heart is raging. How can I learn to live without him when I spent the last 30 years with him? I got accustomed to his presence. His voice continues to ring in my ears. I hear him saying “mom” in his sweet usual way. I go over the incidents and experiences that we shared and long to have them back. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to say goodbye. It is too soon. He is too young. He died in his prime. It is the most awful thing that can happen to anyone. I wish that I did not have to experience such loss. I wish that the Lord would have spared me such pain. I wish that I could reverse things. I wish that this is nothing but an ugly dream. Then his absence reminds me that it is real. He is gone. He has vanished. He disappeared. It is the worst gash that was ever made into my side. It is so deep, it is so cruel, and it is incurable.  I think of the brevity of life and the quote from Job “A man cometh forth as a flower and is cut down”. So we come up, we prosper, we die as the flower.

Think Spring

At this winter time when everything is cold and dreary and the sky is often gray, I feel the sorrow linger and the pain increase. I therefore try to look forward to spring in order to survive. These pictures that I have taken brighten my day a bit and allow me to think of beautiful things. I hope that you will enjoy them as much as I have.

I Weep

During this holiday season I am more emotional than ever and the loneliness and despair has resulted in the writing of this short article.

  

I weep not only for losing my son but for all the parents who lost their children. I weep when I think of his face, I weep for his empty place. I weep when I think of the cold ground that covers him. Is he really gone from me on earth? I question that and continue to weep.

I have cried and wrestled often in prayer. How could someone as precious, so dear to my heart vanish like vapor and disappear? Yet I say to myself no, no, he is still with me. And then I say to myself “where is my son?” Where is he hiding? I look for him everywhere, among the flowers and trees, around the empty streets, in the house and everywhere, yet he is not there.

Pleasant memories bring him back to me, and my eyes become blurry with tears, yet there is no glimpse of him. Loneliness fills my soul and I question his whereabouts and wonder how one so close to me in life could be so far away now. I am alone and my heart is broken and my longing for him is as strong as ever. I long for him by day and by night. I often wish that he would come back again and free me from all the intense pain. Just as the leaves fall and the flowers die, I think of my son who is gone.

My hopes and feelings are confused; my sick heart grieves and is full of anguish. Yet his going from this earth has given me serener thoughts and nearness to the sky, and has opened my heart and my eyes to see what is beautiful and has strengthened my faith and turned me around from what is temporal to what is eternal.

Happy Birthday David

PRECIOUS DAVID; Thank you for being you. Today you would have been 42. You have transformed my life and put meaning into it for which I am thankful. You opened my eyes to see the beauty that surrounds me. You continue to be a big part of my life and will continue to impact every aspect of it. Happy birthday.