Guilt

Guilt robs us of our happiness. It reminds us that we did not do the right thing. Guilt feelings remind us of the past and what happened that should not have happened. I feel guilty that I outlived my son. I feel guilty when I cook his favorite food. I feel guilty when I laugh.

I do not have guilt feelings about my role as his mother. I loved David unconditionally. I gave him my time, and my full attention. He knew that he was loved. He knew that he was safe with us. He knew that he was very important to us. He too loved us.

Devastating loss

Seven months since David left us I wrote this: I woke up in tears and I am in tears now. I feel that someone is ripping my heart out. There is calm outside after the snow storm and yet my heart is raging. How can I learn to live without him when I spent the last 30 years with him? I got accustomed to his presence. His voice continues to ring in my ears. I hear him saying “mom” in his sweet usual way. I go over the incidents and experiences that we shared and long to have them back. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to say goodbye. It is too soon. He is too young. He died in his prime. It is the most awful thing that can happen to anyone. I wish that I did not have to experience such loss. I wish that the Lord would have spared me such pain. I wish that I could reverse things. I wish that this is nothing but an ugly dream. Then his absence reminds me that it is real. He is gone. He has vanished. He disappeared. It is the worst gash that was ever made into my side. It is so deep, it is so cruel, and it is incurable.  I think of the brevity of life and the quote from Job “A man cometh forth as a flower and is cut down”. So we come up, we prosper, we die as the flower.

Think Spring

At this winter time when everything is cold and dreary and the sky is often gray, I feel the sorrow linger and the pain increase. I therefore try to look forward to spring in order to survive. These pictures that I have taken brighten my day a bit and allow me to think of beautiful things. I hope that you will enjoy them as much as I have.

I Weep

During this holiday season I am more emotional than ever and the loneliness and despair has resulted in the writing of this short article.

  

I weep not only for losing my son but for all the parents who lost their children. I weep when I think of his face, I weep for his empty place. I weep when I think of the cold ground that covers him. Is he really gone from me on earth? I question that and continue to weep.

I have cried and wrestled often in prayer. How could someone as precious, so dear to my heart vanish like vapor and disappear? Yet I say to myself no, no, he is still with me. And then I say to myself “where is my son?” Where is he hiding? I look for him everywhere, among the flowers and trees, around the empty streets, in the house and everywhere, yet he is not there.

Pleasant memories bring him back to me, and my eyes become blurry with tears, yet there is no glimpse of him. Loneliness fills my soul and I question his whereabouts and wonder how one so close to me in life could be so far away now. I am alone and my heart is broken and my longing for him is as strong as ever. I long for him by day and by night. I often wish that he would come back again and free me from all the intense pain. Just as the leaves fall and the flowers die, I think of my son who is gone.

My hopes and feelings are confused; my sick heart grieves and is full of anguish. Yet his going from this earth has given me serener thoughts and nearness to the sky, and has opened my heart and my eyes to see what is beautiful and has strengthened my faith and turned me around from what is temporal to what is eternal.

Happy Birthday David

PRECIOUS DAVID; Thank you for being you. Today you would have been 42. You have transformed my life and put meaning into it for which I am thankful. You opened my eyes to see the beauty that surrounds me. You continue to be a big part of my life and will continue to impact every aspect of it. Happy birthday.

Why be thankful

In Psalms 34:1 we read: “I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall be continually in my mouth”. I often ask myself:  “how can I be thankful after losing my son?”

My mother was a simple woman who was uneducated. Yet she was a godly woman who saw God in His creation. I remember her washing fruits and vegetables and praising God in amazement over the beauty of the colors of the various fruits and vegetables. She would laugh when she saw a bird hopping or singing through the kitchen window. I remember her kneeling by the bedside at night praying and thanking God for everything even though she could hardly provide for our food and clothing. We too can be thankful for the things that we take for granted, for the fruit on the tree, the birds that sing, the flowers that bloom and the leaves that fall.

I am a biology teacher by profession. I often instill in my students a thankful attitude. For example when I talk about the kidneys, I explain to them as to why they cannot live without both kidneys as they remove the nitrogenous waste products from our bodies without which our bodies would become toxic.  I then ask them if they were ever thankful for their kidneys. I do not think that we realize all the blessings that we have until we lose them. We take talking, seeing, hearing, walking and being able to use our hands for granted, as an example. Many people are blind, deaf, crippled or paralyzed. Every heartbeat matters and we should cherish every moment of life as it is a gift.

If you have nothing to be thankful for this year, rejoice for the life within you that is a gift from God. You can be thankful for the miracle of spring that brings nature to a new life, the beauty of the sky and sea, the sunrise and the sunset as well as the moon and the stars that illuminate the darkness of the sky.

Do the memories alone make life worth living? Can I be thankful for the loneliness that I experience? Yes, it is because of the deep loneliness that I can reflect over David’s life for which I am thankful.  I often ask myself how can I be thankful after losing my son. How can I be thankful when my wounded heart and all life’s sweetness seem to ebb and die? How can I be thankful when slow sad years go by? How can I be thankful when peace was replaced with anguish and turmoil?

Thank God for life, love, and pain. Thankfulness to me is one of the most exalted principles that can provoke the heart of man. It is something noble and devout. 

More Diary Notes

This was written in my early days of grief in 2004

I am really despondent today and have some anger. I can’t imagine living like this till the day I die. It has been such a struggle and challenge. I am tired of pretending and philosophizing. It does not work. It is telling me that I can make it if I think this way or think of the eternal when everything that surrounds me is temporal and I live in a tangible world and I have to think of the unseen. I am really all confused and full of doubt. Faith is based on the unseen. It is so easy for someone who has not suffered such a loss to judge my faith and it has been judged many a time. Only the Lord knows my heart and knows how much I am hurting. I feel like a knife is cutting my heart out at times. Today is no good. The world around me is full of life and yet I feel dead on the inside. I want David to see the flowers that I am seeing and I want him to participate in this life. I am so void. I am so empty and so lonely and so messed up at this moment. This is not the way one must live. I am so stupid to deprive myself of the joy of this life knowing full well that there is nothing that I can do to change the unchangeable and yet I continue to feel sad. I really cannot change how I feel in an instant. It is not magic. It is a process of accepting and not accepting what happened until it sinks into my brain that life could be good again. Maybe someday I will feel like myself again. Yet I know that my grief will never be lost.