Peace be still

David died is August 2003 and I wrote this in my diary on January 31, 2004.

It is the last day of the first month. It is very cold and still dark. I woke up sad as usual. My thoughts always go towards David. “Peace be still” is what I read this morning. Yet my soul rages. The moments of peace are very few and far between. I need to be calmed and quieted within. I am in the path of pain and am burdened with sorrow. I need to be released from my grief. I need to let go, but somehow I cannot. How can a mother forget her dear son? The loneliness continues to grip me. I feel like busting. 

Thoughts of Anguish

I wrote this in December of 2005. David died in August of 2003.

I do not understand why this had to happen to me. I try to rationalize and spiritualize and then I get hit with another wave of despair. It is really very difficult to survive with this massive loss. I have no choice but to go on. Sometimes I believe and sometimes I do not believe. It is at those times that I feel despair and want to die. Every day I repeat the same thing and I go on day after day with the same sorrow and despair. This is not living. It is so painful.

I wake up every morning realizing that I lost the most out of life. Despite all that I have, it seems that it does not balance out the loss. Even if I try to look at things in a positive way that does not change the harsh reality of the awesome loss. Why do I have to suffer thus? I am so lonely. I am so empty. I keep busy with stupid mundane stuff that has no meaning to me. What is the big deal? Why do we put so much energy into building a future? What is the future? I do not know any more. I guess I am pessimistic as my therapist once told me. He did not know how to deal with my loss as he never lost a child. I was so innocent. I was told that I needed therapy. I actually thought that by talking to a therapist my sorrow would vanish. It does not work that way. Therapy does not work.

 I also think of how easily Christians quote the wrong verses that do not console. I remember when a distant relative heard that I lost David she quickly blurted “The lord gave and the Lord taketh away”.  Here is a woman who did not lose a son who thinks that by quoting the Bible I am supposed to magically be healed or consoled. All I am looking for is for someone to hug me and to tell me “I can’t imagine what you are going through”, or “I am here for you if you need to talk”.

I am really lost in many ways. I do not belong any more anywhere. My world is empty without David. I have to relearn to live without him and I do not want to do that. I just go on day by day waiting for my life to end. I am really disappointed in life and desperate for a miracle that would change me so that I can find some sort of peace and hope.

Being Thankful

I can be thankful for what I have. I can be thankful even though my heart is broken. I can be thankful that what I once thought was significant has become insignificant and the simple has become more significant. I can be thankful that I have learned to live in the moment. David set me free. Most of all I am thankful for David even though I am furious that I lost him. I believe that we can be thankful and at the same time we can be sad, unhappy, upset and dissatisfied due to the constant knowledge that someone so precious has left us and has left a vacuum that no one else can fill.

Paradoxes

When David died I was full of confusion. This is what I wrote one day in my diary regarding how I felt.

  I see many paradoxes since David died. I will always have David with me and no one can see us together. However, as I drive, I see empty streets and empty everything. New friends have emerged and old ones disappeared. David seems to be more alive now than when he was physically present. I feel him and talk to him. I do the things that I know would make him happy. I see him in nature and every where. 

 Painting of David's Garden

People who have suffered

 

I am discovering that the people who have suffered are the ones who speak the right words and give the very advice that I am longing for. They had to pay a price that made them so skillful in binding my wounds and drying my tears.

I dare not

Whenever I see someone that I have not seen for a while, their only comment is that I look good. It is as if I am supposed to look like a rag because I lost my son. Often people ask me as to how I am feeling. I say that I am fine. It is because I am afraid to tell them otherwise as I would fear that they would use the lingo that I am “stuck in my grief” or I am “not letting go” or that “I should see someone”.  I do not dare tell them about the excruciating pain that visits me on a daily basis. I dare not talk about my swollen eyelids due to the continual leaking of tears on a daily basis. I dare not talk about the deep sense of loss and void that surrounds me. I dare not express the loneliness that fills my heart and soul on a daily basis. I dare not talk about the feelings of despair that come and go. I dare not talk about feeling dislodged from this earth with no roots to hold me down. I dare not talk about the deep longing of being reunited with my son.

I do not understand

I continue to hurt over the loss of David despite the passage of time.

Regarding my grief, my biggest dilemma is not understanding the magnitude of the grief despite my faith and all of God's promises. Why do I hurt so badly and on a daily basis? Why do I feel so lonely and so incomplete? Why do I tear daily? Why hasn't the pain subsided? I am accused of rebelling against God by some and that adds to my pain. I try to hide the pain. I try to pretend that everything is normal. I just don't know anymore.