More Diary Notes

This was written in my early days of grief in 2004

I am really despondent today and have some anger. I can’t imagine living like this till the day I die. It has been such a struggle and challenge. I am tired of pretending and philosophizing. It does not work. It is telling me that I can make it if I think this way or think of the eternal when everything that surrounds me is temporal and I live in a tangible world and I have to think of the unseen. I am really all confused and full of doubt. Faith is based on the unseen. It is so easy for someone who has not suffered such a loss to judge my faith and it has been judged many a time. Only the Lord knows my heart and knows how much I am hurting. I feel like a knife is cutting my heart out at times. Today is no good. The world around me is full of life and yet I feel dead on the inside. I want David to see the flowers that I am seeing and I want him to participate in this life. I am so void. I am so empty and so lonely and so messed up at this moment. This is not the way one must live. I am so stupid to deprive myself of the joy of this life knowing full well that there is nothing that I can do to change the unchangeable and yet I continue to feel sad. I really cannot change how I feel in an instant. It is not magic. It is a process of accepting and not accepting what happened until it sinks into my brain that life could be good again. Maybe someday I will feel like myself again. Yet I know that my grief will never be lost.

Thoughts About The Loss

I gave this article to my colleagues before returning to teach after a semester off. It might be something that some of you, who have recently lost a child, could use.

I wish that David had not died and I want him back so badly. He was very important to me. I hope that you will not be afraid to speak his name. If I cry when you talk about David, it isn’t because you have hurt me. David’s death is the cause of my tears. I will be grateful if you will allow me to talk about him and to share my grief. Grieving is the hardest job that I will ever do. It is exhausting. Grieving is not contagious. Please do not shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I know that you think and pray for me often. Please let me know through a phone call, a note or a hug. I wish that you would not think that my grief will be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me. I hope that you will understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of David until the day I die. I will never not remember him, ever. I am trying hard to recover, but you need to understand that I will never fully recover, and will always miss David and will always grieve that he is dead. I am not asking for pity. I just want you to let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I struggle daily and might be doing OK, but I do not feel OK. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness is what I am experiencing which are normal reactions to grief. David believed in hope. He often said to me “mom, hope is a good thing, it is the best of things, and good things never die.” I hope that you will understand when I might be quiet, withdrawn, and cranky or irritable. I was told to “take one day at a time”. I would be doing well if I can handle one hour at a time or one moment at a time. Grief has changed me. I am not the same person I was before I lost David, and I will never be that person again. I wish that you would understand my loss, my grief, my tears, my void, my loneliness, my pain. BUT I pray that you will never understand.

Diary Entry from November 1, 2004

David died in August 2003. 

November 1, 2004, another month without my honey. The sadness grows as time moves. I feel a bit better today so far. I am going to trust that God knows the beginning from the end and that he allowed this to happen. I do not know why and will never know why. My thoughts however do not match my feelings. I try to be strong and then I fail. How can I be strong when the love of my life is gone? How can I go on with the trivial daily chores that have no meaning? I can't stand it. I never realized how empty life could be. I put so much energy all my life to succeed and be successful for my family and I failed everything. I feel so humbled by all this. I am nobody. I am nothing. It is 10 pm and I am extremely sad. I long for David and want to hold him. I continually have tears in my eyes. I have fears that I will not remember some aspects of his life. This is why I am trying to write as much as I can. His face I have memorized as well as his gentleness and love. I miss him so terribly and there is deep hole in my heart and soul.

Poem on Death

After David died I began to write poems. I used DEATH as an acronym. This poem was written while giving an exam to my students.

Death is an enemy that I abhor
Even though we often ignore
All mankind is destined to taste
The bitter cup that is in store
Hovering over us all.

Questions

The other day I decided to read some of the diary notes that I have written and I realized that there were many questions that I have asked with no attempt to answer them as there are no answers.

What am I to do now that David is gone? Is there any more purpose to my life? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever do anything without thinking of him? Will I ever not feel guilty that I am alive and he is dead?

Why did this have to happen? Why did I lose him at such a tender age? Why am I destined for pain? Will the pain ever go away? Why was his life cut short? Why? Why? Why? Will I ever have peace again? How could he die? How could David be here one day and now he is not here? Can I change what happened? What would my life be like had David not died? How could life be so harsh?

Why did it have to be this way? Why didn't things work out differently? How could this be? Where is he? What happened? How about all the people who use drugs and do not die? How can I accept this loss?

Will I feel the way I felt before David died? When will that happen? Who knows? Will I be whole again? Do I want to be whole again? Why can't I feel whole again? Why do I continue to feel so alone?

Do I appreciate the fact that I am alive? Do I cherish life? Why do I continue to want to die? Can I live my life with a broken heart and enjoy life at the same time? How can I just live again and enjoy life? Will I live again?

What mother does not worry about her child? How could one child consume me so much? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I put David to rest and let him sleep in peace? Why can't I just go on with what is left? Will I hug him again?

Why can't I yield and trust? Why am I not consoled even though there is eternal life? What is it that I believed in or believe in? Why can't I be satisfied with the infinite God? Why can't I allow Him to fill my life with peace and joy?

Why should I plan for tomorrow? Why do we struggle so much and for what? Do I continue to go on? How can I turn things around? Is there an escape? What good does this do me?

Why is it that people know the answers and I do not seem to have a clue? How can I do what others tell me when my whole being is saying and feeling otherwise? How can anyone judge any other person?

What will be left if I lose my grief?

Diary Notes 10 Months After the Loss

 I had many mixed dreams that did not make sense. I woke up several times and was thinking of my fate. The loss is enormous. It cannot be fathomed. I was thinking that it takes guts to live. It is easier to die than to go on. I want to die because of David and yet I want to live because of my husband, daughter and grandson. I am so confused and tormented. I did laundry and spoke to a woman about David. I tried to read but could not. Images of David’s life continue to flash in front of me. The pain is unbreakable and the tears do not dry. I read a bit but could not sleep. After supper I saw a movie and heard Les Miserables “I dreamed that life would be so different from this hell I am living, and life killed the dream I dreamed”. For some reason I am in much pain and can't be comforted. I often reflect over the quotes that people said to me in an effort to make sense out of David’s death. None of it made sense to me. I continue to be angry and I need to reach the point of letting go and accepting my fate. Yet how can I accept this. It is unacceptable. I am furious that I have no choice in the matter. There is no reversal of the situation. It is terminal. It is final. I could not sleep and I wailed again for my son whom I adore and love.

A New Skyline 9/11

After 9/11 the twin towers disappeared. They just simply vanished and so did the hopes and dreams of thousands if not millions of people. There was a new skyline in New York. In lieu of the towers every year beams of light are erected on that special night in the form of the towers to replace what was lost. These lights will never replace the real thing. They are not the same. They will never be the same. However they are a reminder and a symbol of what can never be replaced. Unlike the real towers these beams of light can only be seen in the dark. Since I live in the area near where the towers existed, I can see the lights every year. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering due to the evil that was inflicted upon them.

When my son’s candle burned out, I was left in the thickest darkness grouping for the unknown. These times of darkness are full of complexity and confusion. At times there seems to be no light in the path. Then I realize that God is guiding me in the dark. It is these dark days that have allowed me to see more clearly than before. I am realizing that in the light our eyes are unable to discern as effectively as in the dark. I can see what others do not see. Most of what I learned came in the darkest hours of my life. I am learning to trust God in the dark.

At The Compassionate Friends meetings I hear the term “the new normal”. I actually do not like the phrase, but it is used a lot today by so many people. There is no such thing as normal when you lose your child. It does not matter if it is old normal or new normal. The child that came from your own loins, rested on your bosom and was your delight vanished like the towers did. It is abnormal, absurd, backwards and reversed when you bury your child. Children should bury their parents and not the other way around. Since I cannot return to the kind of world that existed before David died nothing can be normal again. However I must rise above what happened. I need to do what I once thought was impossible. I must rebuild my world with a new skyline.

What is this new skyline? I am not really sure. However, I believe that it is different for each one of us. I always had zest for life. Since David died I lost this ability to enjoy living and began to simply exist. As I grieve I realize that no amount of grieving is going to bring my son back to me. How do I then begin to live intensely as opposed to simply existing? To live I need to have a new skyline that makes me realize that life is beautiful. I need to cherish each moment as life is a gift. I must put sense, worth and hope into life, without which life is meaningless. It is a skyline that I only can see as I look into my heart and soul. I can picture it in my mind and can become the person that God wants me to be. I can become a part of nature and all that my eyes can behold. I can lift my head high and aspire for what is beautiful and true. I can live with the fact that my love for David is deathless.